I've lost count of how many times I've denied when someone gave me a nice compliment. It's not that I don't like it, It's just that I find them doesn't suit me. So I usually ended up just awkwardly smile brush the compliment away.
I don't see myself the way other people see me, I don't understand what would they say such things when I don't see it. So I find it hard to believed.
I got asked before why am I being like this to myself. Even got labelled as playing hard to get, arrogant etc just because of this. x psal2
So why?
All my life I struggled with my body image. I struggled with finding my own confidence. I struggled with insecurities, I struggled with depression plus anxiety.
For a really long time, literally.
I just started to find myself back after years of self hate. December 2016 was my real start. Even though I wrote on my blog for years that "I'm finally taking good care of my self". That was a way to comfort myself, but I didn't really do anything tbh. The only thing I stopped was self harming, but at the time I was still pretty much the same.
But then something took place and I've decided to change my lifestyle. I got really tired of being sad. It takes the life out of me. I wanted to fight my depression. The only way I knew how to cope with that is by filling up my daily schedule. So for 4 months, I started working out. Home workouts, daily. I would beat the hell out of myself just so that I could have a nice sleep at night. I still remember writing my home workout, filling it up with number and exercises that I do daily.
Even when I started this, it was hard. I still remember just curling up on the floor for hours because my body was sore, I restrained myself from eating too much when all I wanted was comfort food. Then the frustration sets in when I don't see changes. I actually became more depressed for a while so I forced myself to entered gym. At first I hated the idea of going to the gym. Because I don't like the idea of people looking at me. Although that thought was probably just my head messing with me, it felt uncomfortable so I didn't like it.
But for the sake of wanting to fix myself, I kept going until the end of 2017. It worked, thankfully. And I found myself liking gym in the end. I fell in love with working out because it's the only way I can take my mind of being sad. Plus it felt really good finally being able to find nice clothes to wear without thinking so much about whether my size would be available (do have to admit, I still got a long way lol)
You see to be honest right now, I don't really have a reason to be this depressed, I realized that. Except for one thing, I got everything I wanted so far, family friends etc. There are definitely plenty of other people that had it worst than I am. But I felt so empty and left out (this is totally off topic so will be on another post, I hope lol)
But back in the day, highschool did not get the best of me seriously. People can be really mean and speak things without using their brains and I'm not just talking about mean school friends, people in general. I fell in and out of love so many times yet every single one of them ended up with me handling with rejection. It wouldn't be a surprised to me anymore if people leave me, because I'm used to it. I can't imagine people actually staying for me, really. All my life I was coping with one goodbye after the other. Used to it.
So when I changed all these compliments started pouring in, tell me how am I supposed to figure out if they're truly meant everything they said or are they just pretending? It's hard because I can't seemed to find sincerity in people anymore and I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't seemed to be completely happy with the state I'm in.
Physically I get the changes that I want but no, mentally I'm still struggling to cope with my thoughts.
