Things that make me happy?

I got nothing better to do right now and I haven't been writing for quite some time are 15 things (i might add more in the future, maybe) that genuinely will make me happy/calm me down even when I'm in the most shittiest mood.

  1. food
  2. the beach, sea, ocean (the clearer the water, the happier i'll be lol)
  3. cat pictures? or actual cats (mek and mok)
  4. flower gardens (or anywhere where there's pretty landscape)
  5. music (especially those romantic ones)
  6. receiving money (everyone loves this lol)
  7. rainy days and a good cup of coffee/tea
  8. sleeping in after a long day
  9. experimenting with my makeup (when im not lazy that is lol)
  10. buying makeup lol
  11. looking at babies in their strollers or being held by their parents
  12. green tea (hot/cold/frappe, doesn't matter lol)
  13. white tulips (haven't seen an actual tulips yet but I've seen enough pictures lol
  14. reading or listening to poetry/poetry slam
  15. car rides

16....receiving attention from the right person lol 


when you realized that you're that friend that always, always helps out your friends with their relationship, life, etc. Giving loads of advice as if you life depends on it. Supports them through out the process. but when it comes to your own life?

i'm literally so fucking clueless hahahaha

How am I doing? (Update)

It has been around 240 days since 2017 started

This is just like an update about my self since I'm bored and I didn't want to do any work right now (not feeling it hah) 

But 2017 has been great so far compared to past years. I don't know. maybe because I told myself that I do not want to dwell in the past and actually start living my life. This time I ain't fucking around when I said I want make some changes to my life no matter if it was small or big. Whatever it is, all I hope is that I don't back to that depressing part of my life. 

I've lost a total of 15kg btw surprise surprise. terrible heartbreak and frustration do play a huge part in this but I didn't do it for revenge. I did it for me, needed a time out so that happened lol. I enjoy exercising surprisingly, tho I have my lazy days but who doesn't lol 

Save to say that things have been okay and I'm glad.

I'm no longer living my life for the approval of others.

I'm going to start doing what I want and how I want.

Kpop Confession Part 3 (Exo'rdium Concert)

So I am feeling abit on the high side today since I've been writing like 3 post today (including this one lol)


First concert of my life and I spent it on Exo. Was it worth it? 
this probably explains the answer to that question

How did I manage to get my parent's permission?
It took alot of convincing but yeah it was worth it, every single penny.

Anyway, after alot of discussion we decided to take the Lower Cat 1 (M) seating. We went there I think around 12pm and the concert starts around 8pm. We had to wait for 8 long hours lol. The only thing we ate during that whole time was water and some bread, plus it was too tiring to even eat alot considering the fact that the weather was blazing hot. Honestly me and my friends arrived way to early considering the fact that we got numbered seats, we don't have to rush or anything but obviously the excitement got to us hahaha. 

We officially starts queing around 2.30pm-3.00pm. The worst part? standing still for long hours with hands full of  free souvenirs, our heavy bag and...and it was raining hahaha. I swore I thought that time just froze at that time because it felt like we were standing forever

Kpop Concert Tips :
  • Wear comfortable shoes and clothes. Don't be ridiculous and wear high heels (unless if you're planning to be in so much pain)
  • I would suggest bring a small backpack, because you will buy or received things and you want to have something to keep all those stuff.
  • Bring raincoats (they usually sell it there as well, but it's better to prepared it early) I wouldn't suggest bringing umbrella because it's going to slow your process to get into the venue. You can't bring it inside. 
  • Perfume would be a nice option because after all that long hours, alot of uncomfortable odors will come out hahaha
  • Pack some food (more like snacks) and mineral water. You can bring bread into the event. No glass containers/tupperware are allowed. 
  • Bring extra cash. Because there's plenty of things that will catch your attention (lightsticks/posters/cards/hand-fans and etc etc)
  • Plaster will come in handy to treat those blisters. It would be safe to put it on first on spots that you know it's going to appeared (or just wear socks lmao)
I can't even describe how I felt when we handed our ticket and walk inside the venue. That feeling when we sat down and we could see the whole stage since our seating are pretty high up so our view weren't blocked by anything or anyone.

Do I need to explain what happened during the concert?

I already lost my voice when the MAMA started playing and then we saw those boys. I lost it, I think we all lost it. I think my sanity already left my body when I heard the word "Careless, Careless" . 8 of them was there, Lay (my bias) however, wasn't able to attend. I was pretty devastated when I found out but the outcome of that night I got myself a bias wrecker, 박찬열 (Park Chan Yeol)

that person right there. i can't even haih

no, im not okay lmao 

The concert ended after 2-3 hours and it felt like it ended so fast. When we got into the car, the three of us was such in awe. We couldn't really accept the fact that it was over hahahaha. 

Hence, post concert depression occurred (I do not want to describe this hahaha). We still talked about it until now without failed hahaha.

I will go to their concert again, without no doubt. no matter what it takes lol


So..Ku Zafirah. We need to talk.

Out of boredom, I scrolled through all of my older blog posts and currently facing some 2nd hand embarrassment right now

 was my life that horrible for me to write all this depressing stuff seriously dude..

the things that I wrote tho..I can't even hahahaha
  • I kept mentioning I didn't want to fall inlove. but I did exactly what I want to avoid..god
  • I still trust people easily even when I have mention I want to cut people out of my life when they took me for granted lol.
  • I still have high everything. something is wrong with me hahaha
  • alot more sad stuff etc etc too embarrassed to even type

In all seriousness, I should probably start to write cheerful stuff because even I am getting tired of writing sad contents like this. It's just that everytime I feel like writing something, I am always in a bad mood, which is probably why the sad contents appeared. Everything I wrote here literally comes from what I felt. Also the reason why I kept mentioning the same thing because I realized that the content I posts are always from the same cause. aigoo this needs to stop.

Note to Your Younger Self..

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?" 

I stumbled upon this sentence when I was scrolling through my facebook feed and since I haven't post anything worth reading for the past few months, leggo. And two words wouldn't be enough to because I have so much things to say to my younger self. Especially the Kuza in highschool. omg that girl had serious issues back then, but she survived tho thankfully, okay here it goes.

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say to yourself?"

Dear Ku Zafirah.

You will experience few years of torture starting from you're 15 years/old. Your confidence, self esteem will go downhill from here all because you are about to develop a habit of overthinking stuff. Even stuff that you shouldn't be thinking about. From this point as well, you're going to experience the worst one sided love hahahaha. The pain is going to stay with you until you entered the 3rd semester of university. You'll have so much doubts about yourself, until self harming becomes an option for you to ease that so called "pain" of yours. It should have not happened. I repeat, it should've not happened if you just let go from the first spot. He never liked you, he only thinks of you as his friend. And now both of you haven't been talking for god knows how long. At some point in the future you will have thoughts about him because you felt guilty for ruining his relationship, don't. It is not your fault all this happened. Stop blaming yourself for it.

Wake the fuck up, Kuza. all that stuff that you were thinking and crying about for so many nights is not worth it, not even a little bit. I'll tell you why. Those boy that you like does not give a shit about you, at all. They didn't even looked back at you, not even once. They was never interested in you. You are going to waste so much time crying over these "crushes". I swore it is not worth it dude, If they don't love you back then just stop clinging to it like it's your life pleaseLove is not everything, it was never everything, and no you won't even have time to love in university so don't even bother thinking about it hahaha.

Be grateful for the group of friends and family that you have now because things are going to be so different in university. You're going to miss them so much and wish that you could be closer to them. Homesick in university is inevitable. So love them more now. Oh and those late night thoughts? it's all in your head. Things will be better if you could just be a little bit positive about yourself. Lastly, pay more attention on your studies because gurll, you're a pure science student but you're terrible at it.

And lastly, I think I need to just write this again and again because the younger version of Kuza keeps forgetting how meaningful her life would be if she actually lived a little and not care so much. I wish the version of me now lived in the past. lmao I could've been so much better then. Sure up until know I still haven't found the purpose of my existing because I keep messing up everything and everyone I get close to but it does not hurt as much as it hurts in the past. The younger version of Kuza needs to learn that she does not need to rely on others to gain happiness. Being pretty or fit into society's standard does not give you happiness, it only gives you headache. really. Stop torturing yourself with this kind of negativity because you don't need it in the future.

I couldn't turn back time because if I could I would have lived my life differently, but things have happened and the past is still the past. It made me who I am now and honestly I think I've never been this comfortable with myself in a very long time. 

p/s : this is actually an old draft. I wrote this around last year and didn't finished until today lol 

truth slap

At this point, she's given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for awhile. She's been trying to find love for so long, but what she actually found was she wasn't ready for love and she doesn't know when she will be ready again. It's not that she's scared of commitment, she's just scared of wasting more time being loyal to someone who isn't worth it. It's not that she's afraid of trust, she's just afraid of investing herself in someone who can't be honest with her. It's not that she's frightened of attachment, she's just frightened of getting so close to someone that she won't be able to leave if she needs to. While she's been hurt by a lot of people, she knows it's also her fault for not being able to be alone, it's her fault for catching feelings so easily, and it's her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she's been thru. She just figured it's time to give her heart a break. She would rather be single and lonely than to be miserable with someone who's supposed to make her happy. She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something's wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. So if you're a guy who wants to be with her right now, sorry but she's closed off. She'd rather be heartless than heartbroken.
Words by: Teddy Nguyen

because as it turns out

i was right all along. about everything. funny thing is i can't even cry on what i feel right now except by the fact i wish for something horrible to happened to me so this throbbing pain will end. aku letih. sumpah letih. i swear what i felt this time was perfect. tapi kenapa. tiap kali aku rasa macam dunia aku dah kembali normal mesti lepas tu aku kena balik. what the fuck is this. ape salah aku. kenapa susah sangat untuk aku suka someone. kenapa susah sangat untuk orang stay untuk aku. ape salah aku.

just when you thought

just when you thought everything is finally going right
then it started to crumble yet again,
this time, it was even worst than before.
im tired of crying weh,
i swear i am tired of feeling this way.
tho i am not experiencing it myself.
i felt this deep in my heart.
i take this as my own pain.
my trust keeps being wrecked this way.

So.. (Update)

I haven't been writing here for god knows how long because I needed time off from my own blog (doesn't makes sense but whatever) I guess you can say that alot has happened when i was out hahaha. Some of it was good, some of it was bearable and some just I don't want to remember. 

Overall, I've been doing so much better than the last couple of months. Not saying that everything is fixed because I'm still hella confused about my future but I am feeling better. 

I started driving again. this girl. the one that hit a freaking lorry and got scared of driving finally back on the wheels again and it was nice. I'm slowly getting my confidence in driving sort of. huh

Around June, I started working full time at a clothing store to get some cash. That was an experience as well. I decided to quit this month because I've had enough. I wouldnt say that I hated there but i didn't hate it at first, I just dislike certain things that I wish not to share here hahaha

That should be it for now. Ill edit this blog later when I have time hahaha. Goodnight, xx
Double Scoop Ice Cream