truth slap

At this point, she's given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for awhile. She's been trying to find love for so long, but what she actually found was she wasn't ready for love and she doesn't know when she will be ready again. It's not that she's scared of commitment, she's just scared of wasting more time being loyal to someone who isn't worth it. It's not that she's afraid of trust, she's just afraid of investing herself in someone who can't be honest with her. It's not that she's frightened of attachment, she's just frightened of getting so close to someone that she won't be able to leave if she needs to. While she's been hurt by a lot of people, she knows it's also her fault for not being able to be alone, it's her fault for catching feelings so easily, and it's her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she's been thru. She just figured it's time to give her heart a break. She would rather be single and lonely than to be miserable with someone who's supposed to make her happy. She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something's wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. So if you're a guy who wants to be with her right now, sorry but she's closed off. She'd rather be heartless than heartbroken.
Words by: Teddy Nguyen

because as it turns out

i was right all along. about everything. funny thing is i can't even cry on what i feel right now except by the fact i wish for something horrible to happened to me so this throbbing pain will end. aku letih. sumpah letih. i swear what i felt this time was perfect. tapi kenapa. tiap kali aku rasa macam dunia aku dah kembali normal mesti lepas tu aku kena balik. what the fuck is this. ape salah aku. kenapa susah sangat untuk aku suka someone. kenapa susah sangat untuk orang stay untuk aku. ape salah aku.

just when you thought

just when you thought everything is finally going right
then it started to crumble yet again,
this time, it was even worst than before.
im tired of crying weh,
i swear i am tired of feeling this way.
tho i am not experiencing it myself.
i felt this deep in my heart.
i take this as my own pain.
my trust keeps being wrecked this way.


I haven't been writing here for god knows how long because I needed time off from my own blog (doesn't makes sense but whatever) I guess you can say that alot has happened when i was out hahaha. Some of it was good, some of it was bearable and some just I don't want to remember. 

Overall, I've been doing so much better than the last couple of months. Not saying that everything is fixed because I'm still hella confused about my future but I am feeling better. 

I started driving again. this girl. the one that hit a freaking lorry and got scared of driving finally back on the wheels again and it was nice. I'm slowly getting my confidence back. 

Around June, I started working full time at a clothing store to get some cash. That was an experience as well. I decided to quit this month because I've had enough. I wouldnt say that I hated there but i didn't hate it at first, I just dislike certain things that I wish not to share here hahaha

That should be it for now. Ill edit this blog later when I have time hahaha. Goodnight, xx

have you ever wonder

You once told yourself " Hey, I'm going to take this path when I grew up, I'm confident that this is going to work well for me in the future."
What if everything you worked out for during all this time turned out to be something that you don't want in the end?
What if you were only convinced to do so because of guilt?
What if you don't want to do this anymore?
What if you want to put an end to it and start new?
Will it be worth it?
Will anyone get hurt by your decision?

You once told yourself "Hey, I'm just going to be single for the rest of my life, men is not worth the pain"
What if those words are just an excuse that you create because you know nothing has ever worked out for you?
What if you were actually want someone to be there for you but at the same time you aren't sure?
What if you were actually destined to be single and no relationships will worked out for you?
What if you never actually found someone you will accept all your flaws that can't be fix?
What are you going to do?
Will you be okay with it?

You once told yourself "Hey, I'm going to make sure I'll be successful in the future"
What if you didn't make it big like you've always want to?
Will you be okay?
What if you were actually destined to be the exact opposite?
What the hell are you going to do then?

*obviously this is a work in progress that I regret writing because at that time I was in a very bad mood. I postponed this for over a month lmao. and no, i have no intention of completing it now because it made me feel to much and I cant bear with it.


the end

sorry for not being so active this semester. I've just submitted my finals and I should continue sleeping since I haven't been sleeping well for the past month or so but I feel like updating my blog. 

In conclusion, 06 was not exactly my favorite semester because I felt like giving up alot more this semester than before. It is tiring, suffocating and pure torture. So this is what 06 felt like haha. Super happy that it ended. But with the shitload amount of negativity I felt this semester, there is obviously alot of good memories as well. maybe because it was the finals but omg I have been like extra emotional this semester. Even the simplest issues can make me cry. Well it is probably cause of the stress I guess and now I can finally rest. 

I'm planning to work for a while to gain some experience because I think after 06, that is the one thing I need most right now. experience. Being born in the 'designer' family sucks sometimes because people would expect you to know better since your parents are designers (this is literally something that my panel said to me once) truthfully it hurts because I felt like I know nothing. I'll admit the fact that I don't know to play around with design. I'm rigid, literally. I'm not as good as my classmates, you have no idea how insecure I felt today presenting my work. personally I felt like I'm below average. Yeah I know design but formally, as in "nothing too extravagant in design" kinda way. Another thing that I remember was she said I'm to reserved, as in playing safe. okay maybe I was but only because I felt like my client was an average client, I was thinking about budget and shit when I shouldn't have (my fault, stupid) so hopefully by working, I'll be better a better person, or at least understand this world better.

that's about it when it comes to 06, not my best semester but yeah okaylah I got through it.

Review of 2015 ( New Year's Resolution)

almost. okay

I have been slacking lately, joesonghamnida (im sorry) Reason for that would be :

  • Busy
  • I don't know what to write abouot
  • Lack of inspiration
  • I felt really lost
But tonight I came back after a month of disappearing. Decided to summaries everything that has been going on this year and what it has taught me, sort of. haha. Tbh, I got alot of work going on right now since this is my final semester but look at me now finding ways to procrastinate. 

Well for starters, I believe that I have completely fallen into anything related to Korea. The music, the culture, the language, everything. I'm not even embarrassed to admit this fact because everyone has their own differences in the things that they love. I think that 85% of the songs in my walkman are either kpop, korean ost, or korean ballad. The other 15% are either spanish, english, malay or french. I have lost touch towards english songs because most of english songs these days are utterly crap to me. Whoever that will make me fall inlove with english songs again, i will love you forever hahaha.

Next, I need money like desperately haha. Ever since I came back from my short trip to Singapore, I've been craving to leave Malaysia; to travel some where for months and possibly not returning. But the thing is, money is becoming an issue right now. I need it for my studies. There is no way I could save money when I'm studying. why? because everytime I tried to save, I ended up to use the money and print some work. so annoying omg. Believe me when I say money is the only thing that could bring me happiness right now lol. It saves me from being worried of debt, printing assignments, models, food..everything really.

Besides that, this year yet again taught me not to fall inlove. it is dangerous and a waste of time. I don't think I'll ever be okay with myself being in love, so much has happened throughout the year and just when I thought I might have actually fall for someone, there's always something else came up, what the hell seriously. So 2016 resolution will be about gaining money, being healthy, travel as much as possible while the passport is still valid hahaha.

I actually did the things that I said I would do this year. I'm losing weight slowly and care more about my health (haha) I did actually took care of myself better this year compared to few years ago. I literally stop letting people taking advantage of me, I would consider myself this year as someone that is more aggressive, which is something that I really like about myself. Yay for new achievement. I didn't give chances easily this year, didn't beg for attention. Basically if I've lost interest, I would just stopped and move on. I didn't even want to wait. maybe I did wait for a while but then it hits me that I don't want to let history repeats itself. Do I regret it? tbh sometimes yes other times be like "what the hell" but I still believe that there will be something else in the future and I'll look forward to that. 

For that I would seriously apologize to those who felt like my changes were too intense, it's either I'm trying to find myself or I'm trying to fix myself, even I'm not sure of that yet. There were people that told me that I'm not who I used to be, isn't that a good thing? Because I really like the way I am now. All I want right now is literally to be happy again.

I still see myself as this fragile person that just wants someone that cares, someone that totally understood what I felt as a person, I had that person for a short while but it became clear to me that wasn't meant to be. Right now, just like my mom said the only person I can only rely on is myself. Because when you rely on someone, chances are you might get disappointed when something terrible happens. She always, always remind me not to get attach so deeply or easily and do not expect anything. She told me to survive by my own. I'm really trying mom. I'll promise to do better in the future.

Selamat Pagi Sayangku.

probably the first malay song that I actually really enjoy listening too in a very very long time and this is coming from someone who rarely listen to any malay songs haha, I really like the composition of the song and the meaning too. it just felt really sweet and soothing at the same time. Plus, Elizabeth Tan's voice is just perfect and we all know that Faizal Tahir can sing very very well. His song "hanyut" is still my favorite. I could cry for hours listening to it hahaha. 

Why I refuse to hold on/wait, not anymore.

I tweeted that I want to let myself sink in my own world for tonight because I haven't had it for a while and by "sink myself  in my own world" I meant blasting music to the max volume and just stare profusely to the ceiling. But I want to do something different. so decided to write since I got something on my mind. As you probably can already tell, I'm not in a good mood right now, and I don't know why. suck isn't it? I'll probably be okay in the morning.

Tonight, this post is going to be about what I feel about holding on to someone/waiting for the impossible blablabla. Eversince I turned 20 and alot of shit happened, believe it or not I take this kind of things seriously now. I have alot, literally alot of experience in one sided love, caring too much for the person that probably deserved the least of my attention, I would do anything to make everyone around me happy, I would beg the hell out of their forgiveness even when it was just a misunderstanding or I was not the one to blame and damn it, I'll be honest and say that suck. Because while I was so busy looking after everyone, I let myself down so much till the point where I question my self worth. I only noticed this when I reached 20. after all the events took place. Took me a while to realize that I don't have to hold on, why? because they just don't give a shit about me, (it sucks to be the one yang perasan like they like you but they don't) not even a little bit. if they did, I'd probably know by then. 

At that time, I was super scared of being left out, ignored or forgotten. worst? feeling of being replaced. I have wasted so much time crying, hurting, self harming, trying to figured out where it all went wrong, countlessly begging for forgiveness everytime, and those are my side effects of being scared. It got to a point where I was seriously tired. I thought I was going to die from all the guilt. I may look like the most bubbly girl in highschool, they always saw me with a smile on my chubby face and I rarely cry too except when its just too much to handle. Because people see me as that kind of person, I tend to keep everything inside. Up until now I still do it, Why? because there will be less drama and people won't get hurt.

this ^

So when did I start being this? This probably going to sound really cliche. it started when I broke up with him. I was miserable and the cycle of guilt repeats itself and something also took place and I got really depressed. So the outcome of all of that was, I've got serious trust issues and I tend not to give in so much/so easily. I don't know how I did it but now, I care more about what I feel than others which is a good thing. I won't even fight over things if I find it childish because I try to avoid drama. I've stop pretending, if I don't like it, then I just don't. I may or may have not hurt a few people along the way, I'm really sorry but if you were in my shoe, you'll be the same as me. It saves you from getting hurt.

Finally, after all that I'm going back to the main question. Why I refuse to hold on/wait etc.? 
Other than, it saves you from a long term of sadness. It saves you alot of time. I kept thinking that if I wasn't so caught up with it, if I could just stop and just move on I could've done so much things during those years, but silly me. I was "madly in love" yeah right, bodoh. I don't ever want to be in that position ever again. Experiencing all this have taught me not to have high hopes at all, because at the end of the day, I know that I am going to be disappointed. Don't even try to open my heart, not now. because getting hurt again is the last thing I want right now. I have so much goals that I want to achieved and I believed that if I get tangled up again its just going to slow me down, who knows what kind of damage it'll do to me. For now, I've decided that I should just try and accept myself more, to be better then what I am now. I just want to feel like I am worth something. I don't want to be weak, I want to be known as a tough woman who can stand on her own feet.

Johor - Singapore (USS) Road Trip 2015

"it was fun while it lasted"

I've managed to compile clips of me and Dee when we went for our road trip last week and added music and voila! a music video is completed haha.  It was definitely my first experience travelling that far with a friend. The vibe is totally different compared to travelling with family. We planned this for over 3 months and I'll be honest that we went there on a tight budget lol. After all the calculations we decided that for this 3 days 2 night trip we needed to prepare atleast RM800 and that does not include passport. We booked a room at Tune Hotel JB after a survey on Facebook. Alot of people recommended that hotel because of the Shuttle Bus service they provided. So the total cost of our stay in Tune Hotel and the bus ticket was about Rm 250 for the both of us (RM 125 each). To make things easier for us, we also pre-booked our Universal Studios ticket to avoid the long queue. That cost us about Rm 220 per person for one day pass. We were so broke that we only brought and shared $ 70 to Singapore (RM212) which we only used to bought our lunch and drinks at USS. But the important thing to us was to experienced the rides there. Eating was not our main agenda there haha tho I have to admit that the Chicken Caesar Salad and Chilli Fries that we ate at Mel's Diner was delicious. So here are some of the pictures I've took when I was there edited with VSCO.

I was hoping for cookie monster to show up instead of Elmo, Grover and Ernie but I'm okay with it, maybe next time haha.

The feeling I felt when I saw "Battlestar Galactica". I've been contemplating with myself whether I should go on this ride or not for months knowing that I'm really terrified of the curves, drops and 360 turns and I've never ride on a roller coaster before. While I waited for my turn to ride, I kept telling myself to keep breathing because I felt like I wasn't thinking straight because I was nervous as fuck. "Human" was my first ride. I don't know other words to describe what I felt other than extreme adrenaline rush and the excitement I felt from it were just wahh. The sudden drop was probably the most scariest because one moment you felt like levitating on air, the next thing you felt like you're about to die. lol. We ride Human twice and only ride the Cylon once because we couldn't stand it anymore. After the first ride. It took us few hours to gain couraged to ride on cylon because we were traumatized by the first ride. We both knew that Cylon was scarier because of the loops (we were right, haha) Cylon was the 2nd last ride we took that day, Human was the last one and we ride it few minutes after we finished with Cylon. we got really lucky that we didn't have to wait long lol.

Revenge of the Mummy was also one of my favorites. We ride it twice. Even on the 2nd time, we still screamed our lungs our even when we knew how the ride felt like, it was that intense, lol

oh the next day, before going back home, we visited Cats Cafe Sanctuary in Johor Bahru. It was definitely a dream come true to be surrounded by cats and we got play with them for almost 2 hours before heading back. The food there was good too. The design of the place is definitely well thought out. It is very very clean and there is no disturbing smells. Definitely a place where humans, specifically cat lovers  can interact with cats and have an enjoyable time eating lol.

Double Scoop Ice Cream