False Image

At this point, it's a certain that my habit of creating false image needs to stop. My habit of setting up hopes for anyone needs to be put on a halt. Because whatever I do, I will get hurt. every. single. god. damn. time. Now I know I've wrote countless times about this. But I can't help it. What was I supposed to do when I have feelings for someone? Hold it in? Let it out? Confess?

It's kinda normal to have hopes about someone that you like, but my freaking problem is that maybe I put up hopes too early for something that is uncertain. fml. It's also a habit when I fall for someone, I fall hard, I'm that stupid risk taker when it comes to feelings, apparently very stupid lah sbb dok bagi hati, perasaan, cinta, effort and masa kt org yang x layak. Boleh pulak bangun balik.. okay tu kelakar hahaha ape aku merepek ni ya ampun bukk.

I'm going to really be bilingual in this post, mampus lah aku tetiba geram pulak ni. haih. Sbb teringt kau lah ni. If only, if only lah kan kau tunjuk sket effort kau, instead of bagi alasan I don't think I would feel this hurt. Kau avoid aku dgn alasan kau takut kau x mampu buat aku bahagia. But you didn't even try utk kita pun, not even once. tpi berani pulak kau tegur aku kte rindu bagai. kau nak ape sebenarnya?!

Your birthday is coming up tau x next month and right now aku xleh get over that one freaking thought yang dulu aku pernah plan if "us" goes well, aku nak pergi kt tempt kau. Celebrate birthday kau sama2. Aku fikir benda ni in advance weh, sblum birthday aku smpai lagi. Smpai aku dh fikir nak belikn hadiah kau ke ape. I was that darn happy thinking about it. Meanwhile, kau mse awl2 kenal kecoh nak celebrate b'day aku lah bagai, when birthday aku smpai kau xde wish pun. Aku xde mintak hadiah ape pun weh. Klu dpt wish kau pun aku dah happy. And like an idiot malam tu, aku tunggu kau. Sepanjang hari phone x lepas tangan. Aku x tau lah kau buat2 lupa ke ape but that one ishh klu fikir balik kinda deserves an eff you, seriously. 

Still, aku pendam, aku try nak baik2 dgn kau. All I wanted was to spend time with you. Tpi bodoh at the same time sbb percayakn org mcm kau. Blame it on my overthinking habit as well, the one thing yang kau benci sgt tu. Now kau faham dah kenapa aku marah gila bila kau text kau rindu aku after days of kau hilang? Aku pendam frustration aku for so long. Tu pun aku still boleh mintak maaf sbb aku marah kau that night. Aku x tau masalah aku ape knape perangai aku cmniii.

Then when things turned out to be like this. That particular thought stuck dgn aku smpai sudah aku still terfikir psal kau. The hell I can't even listened to the songs yang aku pernh share kt kau dh skrang. Let alone lagu yang kau pernh kasi kt aku. Sakit ati dgn kepalsuan kau. See why having false image is dangerous, this is why. Org mcm aku, jenis aku. bila dah kena tinggal. Eh sorry, bila terpaksa tinggalkn org yg dia sayang. Kitaorg bukan completely move on pun. Tpi sbb perangai kau sendiri, aku rela blah dri stay. It's toxic weh staying with you. I was destroying myself. Tolong lah jgn dah treat the next person yang dtg dlm hidup kau the same way kau treat aku. 

Aku dah benci fikir psal kau. Sbb fikir kau, aku xleh move on. Aku kenal org lain, aku x rse ape, smpai confius kau tau x. Aku dh delete semua psal kau, even number kau. Sbb aku ingt kau dah blah, then stay lah hilang! Kawan aku siap ajar aku jdi b*tch pun aku x mampu. Dia suruh aku kasar dgn kau, X mampu nak buat, sbb aku bukan cmtu. Aku x reti and aku takut klu karma hits aku balik. Kau tau cerita aku. Kau tau the things yg aku takut, weh aku bukak hati aku expecting you'd be different. Sebab awal2 kau lain. We were both broken kot. Aku expect kau akn pandai appreciate klu aku stay dgn kau. Aku x pernh judge diri kau and aku terima everything plus sayang kau completely lgi and I was sincere. Aku bgitau kau, aku okay klu we took the next step, kita plan slow2. Mmg bukan senang but I don't mind struggling as long as kau ada. Tapi perangai kau cm tu, xde effort. Lain kali klu x berani amek risk jgn main dgn perasaan org, jgn buat janji, jgn act caring, jgn fikir nak confess pun, jangan. 

Dah lah aku end kt sini. Hopefully ni last dah aku rant psal kau. Aku sometimes mcm harap kau baca blog aku. But no lah, don't need to have that kind of hope anymore, dlm dunia kau.. aku ni bukan sape2 and aku dah lama sedar tu. 

P.S. I honestly don't know what the hell was I supposed to write with this title because my thoughts just kept jumbling around at the moment. At first I was planning to write something positive but bloody hell for some reason which I will not disclose here, my mind has went completely blank every time I came back to this draft. And I don't seeing so many draft posts plus I've postponed this wayyyyyyyy too long. So what did I do? I put on some sad songs lol and hence this is why this turned out to be a really sappy post. I write better when I'm overly upset or overly happy lmao

#17 Thoughts

you look prettier when you're thinner
did your boyfriend told you to lose weight?
you're probably loosing weight because you have someone kann

first of all please shut up, seriously.

A stranger, someone that I only know for like less than 30 minutes. I didn't even share any of my past pictures with him and he said one of the above. thanks for giving me something to write about, lol.

Yes sis is triggered. For quite a number of days now.  Finally had the time to write about this.

Do I find that insulting, very much yes. You have no right what so ever to judge whether I'm pretty or not when I'm thin or overweight. Lol aku sendiri pun x pernh nmpak myself that way even bila aku dh lost weight. You don't even know the things I've been through to get me this far and you're not even my family members. Yes, I would have to tolerate if any of my family members said this kind of things to me tho it hurts, alot (it already happened, ishhh). Like excuse me, do I look that disturbingly hideous when I was overweight until you have the guts to say such things. Do my feelings not matter in this??

God I just need to put this out here that there is no man ever involved with me in my process of losing weight. Never! I did it on my own decision. There was no boyfriend. love, crush or relationships for a whole 10 long months of 2017 so stop saying nonsense ishhh. sakit bodo haa geram aku cmni..

Now if you're thinking I'm overreacting. Try and be in my shoes for 23 years and see for yourself what it feels like.

#16 Thoughts

As someone that has really terrible anxiety, today I'm going to do something to face that problem. I'm already used to shopping on my own but I've never eat at a restaurant nor watch a movie alone. Because I'm constantly thinking about other people looking at me and it makes me so damn uncomfortable. lol Just thinking about it already sets some butterflies in my stomach, am not even exaggerating. 

and I just realized that today is valentines day, where all the couples roamed around malls. this is going to either be the most awkward day in my life or it could also be a good day depending on how I react to it. I might even go back to the office early if I can't handle this.

8:40 am: I have cancel all my work plans, got my permission and literally decide to spend few hours with myself today. I plan to watch movie Marvel's Black Panther, get coffee latte, juice boost or green tea because I've been craving those for the longest time and the probably eat sushi today (if I have enough time)

I'm predicting that I'm going to end up having my earphones stuck to my ear the whole day today, except when I'm watching movie lol, Wish me luck because I already feel like crying and vomiting and I haven't even start.

10.48 am: I was hoping that they aren't alot of people today at the cinema, at least when I bought my seat, beside me were empty. I was praying hard it would be empty but omg people kept coming in, I was screaming inside lol it was so awkward. Beside me were both men, one was with his children and another came in alone just like me, but he sat at the end seat, leaving a gap. I swear if he sat beside me I would have been frozen still there lololol. Even then I chewed on chewing gum the whole time then ate popcorn in silent, unable to react as much.

Thankfully Marvel's movie never disappoint so I'm glad the movie was good to watch. It was full with morals and cultural values. Plus, I enjoy looking at beautiful sculptured marvel heroes *wink wink hahaha Avengers is next on my list and I can only think of Loki, that man..heehee oh and Dr. Strange :*

marry me

1.35 pm: I walked out of the cinema at a really fast pace. It's because I was on my own and I don't even make eye contact with anyone (already expected) If only I had a little bit more money I would have bought a new hoodie I've been eyeing few weeks back ishh

The movie took a longer time that I've expected. It started around 11am and ended at 1.20pm. I only had less than 40 minutes spare because I need to take the train back around 2pm. So knowing that I'm unable to eat sushi in peace, I cancelled that plan and head over to juice boost and bought my favorite juice which is skinny dip then sprinted straight to Fitness Concept.

Why? Because I was looking at their dumbbells and I've been wanting to buy a set since I quit gym few weeks back. I needed to start strength training soon because I've postponed that for too long. I was too occupied with cardio. God I am even missing out on yoga these days, my bones are going to hate me for this. I should just reschedule my workout plans again. But knowing I had the right tools feels nice. I have new things to experiment with. I walked back to the train station carrying a dumbell in one hand, another in my bag and I have never felt so safe hahaha!

and that would be it for now on this totally random story. until the next time, if I had more stuff to rant about, that is. bye

wore all black for today, suits my soul lmao


My heart is just feel so heavy right now, you have no idea. I've been weeping in silence for hours and part of me just wanted to shut down for the rest of the day. maybe days.

Yesterday, one of my duas somehow came true. I asked for guidance because for days I just had this uneasiness and I actually got my answer in few hours. But the thing is, I wasn't prepared to hear the truth. Maybe that's why it hurts. It shouldn't be because I was the one that asked for it. I'm trying hard accept the fact that some things are just not meant to be, everything in  life happens for a reason so I should just redha and let it rest for my mind to be in peace again. 

But sometimes, when you are in the thick of living your very own story, and you feel that you are so, so far away from your "happy ending", from crossing that finishing line - just surviving through the day can be a huge struggle. 
And to this, I tell you - please fight on, and just put in the work. 
Put in the work to help yourself, put in the work to heal yourself, put in the work to find yourself again. Please please please do that for yourself. 
Because He sees you striving, despite the pain. And He sees you trying, despite the difficulty. And He sees you fighting, despite the fear. And you might be asking, "if Allah sees all these, then why doesn't He have Mercy on me?!"  
And to this, I tell you - The stronger the pain, the bigger our reward, and that is part of His Mercy towards us. - AA
Ya Allah, please just don't let this frustration turn me away from you once again..amin

A Reply

if there's a switch for my brain to stop overthinking and over-analyzing things that has happened please let me know, I could use that right now. okay xlawak

I'm going to be as positive as possible writing this despite my feelings and my thoughts are not doing well. I feel like writing. So here is goes..

You may say u dont but we kan keep the real feelings with us, xbgtau

I'm so sorry because I didn't expect I would be affected this badly, 

However I'm not going to apologize for my feelings, whatever that is there now,

Honestly I've been confused,

For almost a month,

I'm not looking for someone, I said.

Part of that is true,

Because I was still thinking about him,

He was still there,

I was afraid,

And so I wanted to wait,

I thought we both needed time to heal our wounds,

I know I do, 

But I didn't know that you already had someone in your mind.

Anyway, I didn't want to mistaken my loneliness for something else,

So I treated you the same,

Just as friends,

And I became happy again.

We weren't exclusive,

But I loved it, every single moment of being your friend.

Every word I told you about how I like our friendship, 

I meant it.

But funny how things suddenly turned this way and I felt upset, 

Because I didn't expect to feel this way but I am, 

I was jealous, 

There I said it, 

I'm actually jealous.

Jealous that you turned out to heal quicker than I am,

And jealous that someone has already captured your attention,

Maybe as it turns out I do like you,

Alot more than I thought I would be,

I didn't realized that it got to this point where I got sad about it.

I'm sorry that I kinda snapped at you,

I'm sorry if I acted very immaturely towards this,

The first couple of hours was very hard to cope with to be honest,

Knowing that things would change after this,

It comes as a shock to me I guess,

But I've managed to gathered all of my thoughts,

I'm not changing anything that I've said above,

Truly, I'm very happy for you,

I wish I could properly move on and find my happiness soon enough lol. 


"there’s a first time for everything kan" he said.

and god I went back home that day literally in awe of what just happened. lol this is so embarrassing but I do not want to forget this so I'll shamelessly write about this so maybe, just maybe in the future I can look back and tell my future daughters of what my first actual date feels like hahaha. I'm going to ended up cringing so hard at my writing eh whatever lol

One might think it's a bit odd to went on a first date when I'm already like 20 plus but really tho I am glad, like super glad I didn't forced myself to go on date before and only went for one when I was really ready to meet and spend some time someone. Before this I always know myself as this really shy and awkward person, plus I have so much flaws about myself. So I've always been afraid to meet people. I am no where near having good confidence. At least that's what I feel.

But on that day, I felt like I got too comfortable. I don't even know how to explained what was happening to myself. It was a really good day I literally wished I had more time. Let me just add here that I've known him for 11 days before I decided to meet him. Usually I would never want to meet anyone unless I've known them for at least a month, I've never met any of them in the end because their real attitude starts showing up and made me lose interest.

It was a simple date, we just went for bowling game and had lunch. Damnit it was special for me! I enjoyed every second with him. Even when I was waiting for him, I was grinning remembering the things that I've said to him before. I had fun stepping out of my comfort zone. It was embarrassing when I think back the fact that I told him that me meeting him was actually my first date but I was really happy that he was very open and fun to hang out with. We both kinda warned each other that we might not appeared as the talkative person as we were on whatsapp because there we talked alot, like a whole lot. But I guess I'm just as surprised as much as he does.

I expected the car ride would be really krik2 lol, the 1st few minutes was. I can't even look at him and caught him glancing few times. It was nice that he knows how to lighten up the mood because I was really tense. Plus the air con was really cold, didn't help with the nervousness lol. I should probably add here that even when we spend time searching for a parking space, it was enjoyable. I actually find myself trying to talk and I find it really strange lol.

Btw I was all over the place embarrassed at my horrible bowling skills. We were supposed to played just a game but I got competitive (tho we both tho I'm not good lol) so I paid for another game. I kinda feel like it's more enjoyable playing bowling rather than just watching a movie. I was told to just watch movie and eat something to be considered as a good first date lol but no I went out of line. Mall dates aren't really my thing tbh. I prefer being outside or doing something together, making conversations (no matter how awkward it can get) rather than sitting for 2 hours just watching a movie, killing time. I'm just going to say I've made the right decision hehe.

I still remember when we first talked we were talking about KFry chicken and how he never had the chance to eat there after several times. I do not know how it happened but it kinda ended up with us literally agreeing to meet up just to eat fried chicken lol oh and because he made a promise with me and we agreed on sealing it with food hahaha! We got takeaways because we ordered because of nafsu, that poor mango bingsu tho lol.

and I know he might be reading this sooner or later, don't cringe too much awak lol. I didn't write this for you to cringe. I wrote this so I can read this again in the future and be embarrassed all over again lol. 

Why am I being so hard on myself?

I've lost count of how many times I've denied when someone gave me a nice compliment. It's not that I don't like it, It's just that I find them doesn't suit me. So I usually ended up just awkwardly smile brush the compliment away. 

I don't see myself the way other people see me, I don't understand what would they say such things when I don't see it. So I find it hard to believed. 

I got asked before why am I being like this to myself. Even got labelled as playing hard to get, arrogant etc just because of this. x psal2

So why? 

All my life I struggled with my body image. I struggled with finding my own confidence. I struggled with insecurities, I struggled with depression plus anxiety.

For a really long time, literally.

I just started to find myself back after years of self hate. December 2016 was my real start. Even though I wrote on my blog for years that "I'm finally taking good care of my self". That was a way to comfort myself, but I didn't really do anything tbh. The only thing I stopped was self harming, but at the time I was still pretty much drowning.

But then something took place and I've decided to change my lifestyle. I got really tired of being sad. It takes the life out of me. I wanted to fight my depression. The only way I knew how to cope with that is by filling up my daily schedule. So for 4 months, I started working out. Home workouts, daily. I would beat the hell out of myself just so that I could have a nice sleep at night. I still remember writing my home workout, filling it up with number and exercises that I do daily.  

Even when I started this, it was hard. I still remember just curling up on the floor for hours because my body was sore, I restrained myself from eating too much when all I wanted was comfort food. Then the frustration sets in when I don't see changes. I actually became more depressed for a while so I forced myself to entered gym. At first I hated the idea of going to the gym. Because I don't like the idea of people looking at me. Although that thought was probably just my head messing with me, it felt uncomfortable so I didn't like it.

But for the sake of wanting to fix myself, I kept going until the end of 2017. It worked, thankfully. And I found myself liking gym in the end. I fell in love with working out because it's the only way I can take my mind of being sad. Plus it felt really good finally being able to find nice clothes to wear without thinking so much about whether my size would be available (do have to admit, I still got a long way lol)

You see to be honest right now, I don't really have a reason to be this depressed, I realized that. Except for one thing, I got everything I wanted so far, family friends etc. There are definitely plenty of other people that had it worst than I am. But I felt so empty and left out (this is totally off topic so will be on another post, I hope lol)

But back in the day, highschool did not get the best of me seriously. People can be really mean and speak things without using their brains and I'm not just talking about mean school friends, people in general. I fell in and out of love so many times yet every single one of them ended up with me handling with rejection. It wouldn't be a surprised to me anymore if people leave me, because I'm used to it. I can't imagine people actually staying for me, really. All my life I was coping with one goodbye after the other. Used to it.

So when I changed all these compliments started pouring in, tell me how am I supposed to figure out if they're truly meant everything they said or are they just pretending? It's hard because I can't seemed to find sincerity in people anymore and I hate it. I  hate the fact that I can't seemed to be completely happy with the state I'm in.

Physically I get the changes that I want but no, mentally I'm still struggling to cope with my thoughts. 

About Me (2018 Version)

Lol I'm supposed to be working but I couldn't help but procrastinate. So I ended up reading again my old post and cringed at my own writing because oh my lord it is just so embarrassing hahaha.

I've been wanting to write again about the "about me" post that I wrote about 3 years back just to see how much my preference change? does that make sense lol 
  1. Ku Zafirah Ku Zamri
  2. Currently 23 years old .... this is not funny
  3. Originally from Gombak KL, moved to Puchong at the age of 4 years old then moved to Kajang when I was 18 years old. It has been 5 years now.
  4. No I am no longer obsessed with the colour pink, that kid is long gone lol
  5. I can still speak in 2 languages which is bahasa melayu and english, tho now I can understand and write bits of Hangeul from my never ending kdrama watching.
  6. I still listened to all types of music (genre and language). As long as it sounds good and fit into my taste.
  7. When I am listening to music in another language, I like to study the meaning of the songs instead of just enjoying the beat. The meaningful the lyrics it, the more obsessed I get with the song. Basically I like listening to songs I can relate to myself haa.
  8. Now, these days I don't really have a color preference when it comes to clothing. As long as it looks pretty and decent. I wear all black too sometimes now.
  9. I am obsessed with oversize sweaters and hoodies these days. 
  10. My source of entertainment has definitely changed since there're plenty of media platforms. I don't use youtube that often now.
  11. I'm currently helping out my family running their company ever since my diploma ended lol.
  12. My girl celebrity crush used to be Jennifer Lawrence but then I haven't seen any of her movies for a while now lol. I don't think I have one currently. But she's still amazing.
  13. Still in love with Range Rover Evoque. Whenever I saw that car on the streets, I would say jodoh . If that car was a person I would marry him literally. that car such a pleasing sight to see.
  14. Male celebrity crush is Tom Hiddleston. He is perfect. aih I'm in love lol
  15. Am still terrified of watching horror movies alone. 
  16. I'm still very hopelessly romantic, but with an attitude these days hahaha
  17. I like going shopping alone these days or with close friends. No, I don't shop with my mom anymore because I think I'm pretty capable of deciding what looks good on me or nah
  18. I'm up to watch or listen to anything to K-related. I have submerged myself into that world and there's just no stopping for now lol.
  19. Nope I can't live without my phone, other than texting apps I pretty sure I can live without social medias tho. I've been wanting to like test myself but haven't got the chance lol.
  20. Still dreaming to travel. Been saving and doing plans lately.
  21. Well these days it's kinda hard to be nice all the time because when you're too nice people tend to take advantage. I'm nice to those who knows to respect me:*
  22. Still very loud, clingy and annoying, I'm sorry lol.
  23. I curse alot when I'm like super upset. It's not a proud thing to have but it's how I cope when I'm frustrated.
  24. I do not like to be disturbed when I have my headphones on, literally don't.
  25. If I ever stopped or paused something that I'm doing just so I could talk to you, that means you meant something in my life.
  26. I still love white tulips more than roses, tho I've never seen it in real life.
  27. Fav. fruit is still strawberries...but better if covered in chocolate...yumm
  28. I am still very awkward, but the people that have known me for years will think of me very differently.
  29. I have never had a proper first date. except for the one with my cheating ex. I don't consider that as a date anyway since it was with other people.
  30. My eye color is dark brown. but I felt like my eye color has gotten abit lighter compared to before. I wear contacts for fun lol
  31. About my eye condition (exotropia strabismus) I want to get surgery for it but I haven't completely made up my mind.
  32. I've lost a total of 25kg last year, I got another 15kg to work on.
  33. I enjoy wearing makeup from time to time, when I'm not lazy that is lol
  34. I care about skincare more than makeup. 
  35. I've been trying to fix my skin back to it's normal condition. still my fault for not being grateful. maybe that's why I don't wear makeup often. I want my skin to breathe.
  36. It is very hard to love me lol because I'm such a complicated person tbh (I'll write another post about this lol)
  37. Currently have 2 phones, one for my daily use and another was for me to watch series/drama etc.
  38. If I were to described a perfect day, it will be by going to the beach. Since I enjoy being close to water.
  39. I could sit by my own doing nothing for hours or focusing on something so much not realizing how much time flies, there's just no in between lol.
  40. The songs in my walkman probably consists of a mixture of sad ballad songs, moving on songs and songs for working out mostly in korean, english, spanish, french, malay and a bit of bollywood.
  41. This song always gets me hype up these days lol  Lido - Not Enough feat. THEY
  42. I'm not really fond of chocolates, I like vanilla better.
  43. I watched way too many recipes videos but I haven't had try any of it lol.
  44. Still not good at cooking malay food (find it complicated), I'm better when it comes to western food haha
  45. Sweet desserts scares me a little bit because I think about the amount of sugar content. But no it didn't stop me from eating haha
  46. I am someone that can fall asleep very easily. just give me a pillow and I'll dozed of within 15 minutes, sometimes 10 lol.
  47. I have plenty of physical scars on me since I'm very clumsy (both mentally and physically apparently hah)
  48. I rarely know when to give up in anything unless if I lose interest or when I feel like it's just not working no matter what I do.
  49. I'm a little bit of tone deaf, but that didn't stop me from singing whenever hahaha
  50. Lastly, my 2018 resolution is to just find back my mental strength tbh and since I already managed to fixed my physical health last year (still working on it tho hehe)
It was so hard to write 50 things about me, didn't expect it would take more than a day hahaha

To my almost,

I broke my heart while writing this but I'm sorry that I can't do this anymore,

I had to walk away this time,

It has been delayed far too long,

I've been way too weak these past couple of months by letting you in and out of my life as you please,

You knew how I feel about you,

You knew I was struggling,

Don't fucking lie,

But you choose not to care.

And just when I thought I was starting to feel okay,

Your name appeared on phone yesterday,

"I fucking miss you" you said,

I could've replied straight with "fuck off" or laugh it off but guess what,

My tears came streaming first before I could even figure out a reply,

I cried, went out from the house because I was loosing myself again,

That's when I realized "aku x move on lgi rupanya".

That is exactly how much I've loved you,

A call or just a single text from you could turn my mood upside down,

When I called last night and told you that I was tired,

Of everything,

I meant every single word that I said,

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not,

I'm exhausted of trying to understand you,

because you are not even trying to do the same,

I'm tired of missing you when I know you're uncertain about your own,

I will not let my guard down just to keep you around,

I am done.

Because all this time,

I have been nothing but loyal to you,

I let you in my life,

I opened up to someone after a long time and let you see my flaws,

My deepest fears,

You convinced me you're going to be different than the rest,

What a joke.

I tried to change my habits for you,

I waited for you every single night,

I waited for you to finally show up in front of my door step,

But you and your  never ending excuses,

I have never asked for expensive things,

All I wanted was your time and attention,

"sorry busy sket ni, can I get back to you later?"

"awk saya dh mengantok/x larat, nk tido dulu boleh x"

"im going out for a while, nnti sembang lgi eh"

Yes those little things mattered.

I'm pretty sure if I was important to you I deserved at least a little bit rather than waiting for hours/a day just for just a text back,

If I was important,

I deserved your effort,

You have no idea how hard it was for someone with anxiety to have so many doubts about someone that she loves,

You have no idea how hard it was for someone with abandonment issues to see signs of someone she loved might leave her,

Sorry, you knew and you took advantage of that,

You even told me to try and "stop overthinking" I tried, just for you to stay.

"I still love you"

But you can't make up your mind about us,

You said you couldn't explained it now,

No, I didn't force you,

I just really hate mind games,

I wanted a clear cut answer,

Whether you're in or out,

Tell me if I should wait or we just stay friends,

I've told you to not waste my time,

Then you told me to block you,

Just because you didn't want to give me high hopes if we kept in touch,

Well that feels like a brick to my face tbh,

And just as expected your actions and your words didn't match once again.

You don't push someone away someone you love,

You work for it till it gets better,

So blocking you was never my answer,

It was immature and I hated you for that,

After all that mess you put me through,

You left me on hold yet again for days till that text showed up,

What was I supposed to do.

In the end, I made my own conclusion,

That I was never your priority,

Because if I was, maybe we've actually met by now,

Because if I was, you would have never just let me go the 2nd time,

You turned me into your safety net,

Maybe you thought I was incapable to leave,

Maybe because you knew I'm always going to be there waiting.

I still remember the first time you asked if I didn't love you anymore,

I still think of you from time to time,

If that's the answer you want,

But no I don't want to love you anymore,

A woman can only wait for so long until she realized how much of a fool she has become.

I've walked away and have been forced to walked away so many times before,

I can do it again but I held back wishing maybe things would change,

But nope,

Done waiting.

So be my guest,

Stay confused if you want too,

But let me be,

Because I deserve better than this,

I'm sorry.

What I Want In 2018

I just add one more quick and final post for 2017 since it's still in my head lol. What I want is 2018. nothing too crazy. I only wanted a better progress than what I did this year. I want everlasting happiness; in everything I just want to feel happy, positive and full on motivation and whether that comes with or without a partner doesn't matter. I planned to become the best version of myself in 2018, since 2017 was already bomb af lol.

2018 is going to be focus more on me and what I want to be. I hated the fact that im going 23 tbh and things are going to be fast pace but fuck it, slow progress is still progress so doesn't matter 

Well obviously asking just for everlasting happiness is going to end up coming with some pretty rough shit; just like this year but hey gurl is still alive and well so I got this.

Also next year hopefully is going to be the year where I stop questioning my flaws everytime I look at my reflection on the mirror. I need to stop doing that. oh I plan to be more athletic next year hehe I got things that is going to hurt or might require heaps of endurance but hopefully it's going to be worth it.

Lastly, please let 2018 be the year where im actually proud of what I am and how far I've become as a person.

this is literally summarizing me to stop being so negative in 2018 lol.

Double Scoop Ice Cream