Kpop Confession Pt3 (Exo'rdium Concert)

So I am feeling abit on the high side today since I've been writing like 3 post today (including this one lol)


First concert of my life and I spent it on Exo. Was it worth it? 
this probably explains the answer to that question

How did I manage to get my parent's permission?
It took alot of convincing but yeah it was worth it, every single penny.

Anyway, after alot of discussion we decided to take the Lower Cat 1 (M) seating. We went there I think around 12pm and the concert starts around 8pm. We had to wait for 8 long hours lol. The only thing we ate during that whole time was water and some bread, plus it was too tiring to even eat alot considering the fact that the weather was blazing hot. Honestly me and my friends arrived way to early considering the fact that we got numbered seats, we don't have to rush or anything but obviously the excitement got to us hahaha. 

We officially starts queing around 2.30pm-3.00pm. The worst part? standing still for long hours with hands full of  free souvenirs, our heavy bag and...and it was raining hahaha. I swore I thought that time just froze at that time because it felt like we were standing forever

Kpop Concert Tips :
  • Wear comfortable shoes and clothes. Don't be ridiculous and wear high heels (unless if you're planning to be in so much pain)
  • I would suggest bring a small backpack, because you will buy or received things and you want to have something to keep all those stuff.
  • Bring raincoats (they usually sell it there as well, but it's better to prepared it early) I wouldn't suggest bringing umbrella because it's going to slow your process to get into the venue. You can't bring it inside. 
  • Perfume would be a nice option because after all that long hours, alot of uncomfortable odors will come out hahaha
  • Pack some food (more like snacks) and mineral water. You can bring bread into the event. No glass containers/tupperware are allowed. 
  • Bring extra cash. Because there's plenty of things that will catch your attention (lightsticks/posters/cards/hand-fans and etc etc)
  • Plaster will come in handy to treat those blisters. It would be safe to put it on first on spots that you know it's going to appeared (or just wear socks lmao)
I can't even describe how I felt when we handed our ticket and walk inside the venue. That feeling when we sat down and we could see the whole stage since our seating are pretty high up so our view weren't blocked by anything or anyone.

Do I need to explain what happened during the concert?

I already lost my voice when the MAMA started playing and then we saw those boys. I lost it, I think we all lost it. I think my sanity already left my body when I heard the word "Careless, Careless" . 8 of them was there, Lay (my bias) however, wasn't able to attend. I was pretty devastated when I found out but the outcome of that night I got myself a bias wrecker, 박찬열 (Park Chan Yeol)

that person right there. i can't even haih

no, im not okay lmao 

The concert ended after 2-3 hours and it felt like it ended so fast. When we got into the car, the three of us was such in awe. We couldn't really accept the fact that it was over hahahaha. 

Hence, post concert depression occurred (I do not want to describe this hahaha). We still talked about it until now without failed hahaha.

In conclusion, am I planning to go again? 

we'll seeee


So..blogger version of Ku Zafirah. We need to talk.

Out of boredom, I scrolled through all of my older blog posts and currently facing some 2nd hand embarrassment right now

 was my life that horrible for me to write all this depressing stuff seriously dude..

the things that I wrote tho..I can't even hahahaha
  • I kept mentioning I didn't want to fall inlove. but I did exactly what I want to avoid..god
  • I still trust people easily even when I have mention I want to cut people out of my life when they took me for granted lol.
  • I still have high everything. something is wrong with me hahaha
  • alot more sad stuff etc etc too embarrassed to even type

In all seriousness, I should probably start to write cheerful stuff because even I am getting tired of writing sad contents like this. It's just that everytime I feel inspired to write something, I am always in a bad mood, which is probably why the sad contents appeared. Everything I wrote here literally comes from what I felt. Also the reason why I kept mentioning the same thing because I realised that the content I posts are always from the same cause. aigoo this needs to stop.

I can assure you that, the person that types all the sad things and the actual me is very different. Its just that we all had our bad days. For me, that phase of me is always in me and it never went away however I am on my way to change all that. I'll do better in future posts

Note to Your Younger Self..

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?" 

I stumbled upon this sentence when I was scrolling through my facebook feed and since I haven't post anything worth reading for the past few months, leggo. And two words wouldn't be enough to because I have so much things to say to my younger self. Especially the Kuza in highschool. omg that girl had serious issues back then, but she survived tho thankfully, okay here it goes.

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say to yourself?"

Dear Ku Zafirah.

You will experience few years of torture starting from you're 15 years/old. Your confidence, self esteem will go downhill from here all because you are about to develop a habit of overthinking stuff. Even stuff that you shouldn't be thinking about. From this point as well, you're going to experience the worst one sided love hahahaha. The pain is going to stay with you until you entered the 3rd semester of university. You'll have so much doubts about yourself, until self harming becomes an option for you to ease that so called "pain" of yours. It should have not happened. I repeat, it should've not happened if you just let go from the first spot. He never liked you, he only thinks of you as his friend. And now both of you haven't been talking for god knows how long. At some point in the future you will have thoughts about him because you felt guilty for ruining his relationship, don't. It is not your fault all this happened. Stop blaming yourself for it.

Wake the fuck up, Kuza. all that stuff that you were thinking and crying about for so many nights is not worth it, not even a little bit. I'll tell you why. Those boy that you like does not give a shit about you, at all. They didn't even looked back at you, not even once. They was never interested in you. You are going to waste so much time crying over these "crushes". I swore it is not worth it dude, If they don't love you back then just stop clinging to it like it's your life pleaseLove is not everything, it was never everything, and no you won't even have time to love in university so don't even bother thinking about it hahaha.

Be grateful for the group of friends and family that you have now because things are going to be so different in university. You're going to miss them so much and wish that you could be closer to them. Homesick in university is inevitable. So love them more now. Oh and those late night thoughts? it's all in your head. Things will be better if you could just be a little bit positive about yourself. Lastly, pay more attention on your studies because gurll, you're a pure science student but you're terrible at it.

And lastly, I think I need to just write this again and again because the younger version of Kuza keeps forgetting how meaningful her life would be if she actually lived a little and not care so much. I wish the version of me now lived in the past. lmao I could've been so much better then. Sure up until know I still haven't found the purpose of my existing because I keep messing up everything and everyone I get close to but it does not hurt as much as it hurts in the past. The younger version of Kuza needs to learn that she does not need to rely on others to gain happiness. Being pretty or fit into society's standard does not give you happiness, it only gives you headache. really. Stop torturing yourself with this kind of negativity because you don't need it in the future.

I couldn't turn back time because if I could I would have lived my life differently, but things have happened and the past is still the past. It made me who I am now and honestly I think I've never been this comfortable with myself in a very long time. 

p/s : this is actually an old draft. I wrote this around last year and didn't finished until today lol 

truth slap

At this point, she's given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for awhile. She's been trying to find love for so long, but what she actually found was she wasn't ready for love and she doesn't know when she will be ready again. It's not that she's scared of commitment, she's just scared of wasting more time being loyal to someone who isn't worth it. It's not that she's afraid of trust, she's just afraid of investing herself in someone who can't be honest with her. It's not that she's frightened of attachment, she's just frightened of getting so close to someone that she won't be able to leave if she needs to. While she's been hurt by a lot of people, she knows it's also her fault for not being able to be alone, it's her fault for catching feelings so easily, and it's her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she's been thru. She just figured it's time to give her heart a break. She would rather be single and lonely than to be miserable with someone who's supposed to make her happy. She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something's wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. So if you're a guy who wants to be with her right now, sorry but she's closed off. She'd rather be heartless than heartbroken.
Words by: Teddy Nguyen

because as it turns out

i was right all along. about everything. funny thing is i can't even cry on what i feel right now except by the fact i wish for something horrible to happened to me so this throbbing pain will end. aku letih. sumpah letih. i swear what i felt this time was perfect. tapi kenapa. tiap kali aku rasa macam dunia aku dah kembali normal mesti lepas tu aku kena balik. what the fuck is this. ape salah aku. kenapa susah sangat untuk aku suka someone. kenapa susah sangat untuk orang stay untuk aku. ape salah aku.

just when you thought

just when you thought everything is finally going right
then it started to crumble yet again,
this time, it was even worst than before.
im tired of crying weh,
i swear i am tired of feeling this way.
tho i am not experiencing it myself.
i felt this deep in my heart.
i take this as my own pain.
my trust keeps being wrecked this way.


I haven't been writing here for god knows how long because I needed time off from my own blog (doesn't makes sense but whatever) I guess you can say that alot has happened when i was out hahaha. Some of it was good, some of it was bearable and some just I don't want to remember. 

Overall, I've been doing so much better than the last couple of months. Not saying that everything is fixed because I'm still hella confused about my future but I am feeling better. 

I started driving again. this girl. the one that hit a freaking lorry and got scared of driving finally back on the wheels again and it was nice. I'm slowly getting my confidence back. 

Around June, I started working full time at a clothing store to get some cash. That was an experience as well. I decided to quit this month because I've had enough. I wouldnt say that I hated there but i didn't hate it at first, I just dislike certain things that I wish not to share here hahaha

That should be it for now. Ill edit this blog later when I have time hahaha. Goodnight, xx

have you ever wonder

You once told yourself " Hey, I'm going to take this path when I grew up, I'm confident that this is going to work well for me in the future."
What if everything you worked out for during all this time turned out to be something that you don't want in the end?
What if you were only convinced to do so because of guilt?
What if you don't want to do this anymore?
What if you want to put an end to it and start new?
Will it be worth it?
Will anyone get hurt by your decision?

You once told yourself "Hey, I'm just going to be single for the rest of my life, men is not worth the pain"
What if those words are just an excuse that you create because you know nothing has ever worked out for you?
What if you were actually want someone to be there for you but at the same time you aren't sure?
What if you were actually destined to be single and no relationships will worked out for you?
What if you never actually found someone you will accept all your flaws that can't be fix?
What are you going to do?
Will you be okay with it?

You once told yourself "Hey, I'm going to make sure I'll be successful in the future"
What if you didn't make it big like you've always want to?
Will you be okay?
What if you were actually destined to be the exact opposite?
What the hell are you going to do then?

*obviously this is a work in progress that I regret writing because at that time I was in a very bad mood. I postponed this for over a month lmao. and no, i have no intention of completing it now because it made me feel to much and I cant bear with it.


the end

sorry for not being so active this semester. I've just submitted my finals and I should continue sleeping since I haven't been sleeping well for the past month or so but I feel like updating my blog. 

In conclusion, 06 was not exactly my favorite semester because I felt like giving up alot more this semester than before. It is tiring, suffocating and pure torture. So this is what 06 felt like haha. Super happy that it ended. But with the shitload amount of negativity I felt this semester, there is obviously alot of good memories as well. maybe because it was the finals but omg I have been like extra emotional this semester. Even the simplest issues can make me cry. Well it is probably cause of the stress I guess and now I can finally rest. 

I'm planning to work for a while to gain some experience because I think after 06, that is the one thing I need most right now. experience. Being born in the 'designer' family sucks sometimes because people would expect you to know better since your parents are designers (this is literally something that my panel said to me once) truthfully it hurts because I felt like I know nothing. I'll admit the fact that I don't know to play around with design. I'm rigid, literally. I'm not as good as my classmates, you have no idea how insecure I felt today presenting my work. personally I felt like I'm below average. Yeah I know design but formally, as in "nothing too extravagant in design" kinda way. Another thing that I remember was she said I'm to reserved, as in playing safe. okay maybe I was but only because I felt like my client was an average client, I was thinking about budget and shit when I shouldn't have (my fault, stupid) so hopefully by working, I'll be better a better person, or at least understand this world better.

that's about it when it comes to 06, not my best semester but yeah okaylah I got through it.

Review of 2015 ( New Year's Resolution)

almost. okay

I have been slacking lately, joesonghamnida (im sorry) Reason for that would be :

  • Busy
  • I don't know what to write abouot
  • Lack of inspiration
  • I felt really lost
But tonight I came back after a month of disappearing. Decided to summaries everything that has been going on this year and what it has taught me, sort of. haha. Tbh, I got alot of work going on right now since this is my final semester but look at me now finding ways to procrastinate. 

Well for starters, I believe that I have completely fallen into anything related to Korea. The music, the culture, the language, everything. I'm not even embarrassed to admit this fact because everyone has their own differences in the things that they love. I think that 85% of the songs in my walkman are either kpop, korean ost, or korean ballad. The other 15% are either spanish, english, malay or french. I have lost touch towards english songs because most of english songs these days are utterly crap to me. Whoever that will make me fall inlove with english songs again, i will love you forever hahaha.

Next, I need money like desperately haha. Ever since I came back from my short trip to Singapore, I've been craving to leave Malaysia; to travel some where for months and possibly not returning. But the thing is, money is becoming an issue right now. I need it for my studies. There is no way I could save money when I'm studying. why? because everytime I tried to save, I ended up to use the money and print some work. so annoying omg. Believe me when I say money is the only thing that could bring me happiness right now lol. It saves me from being worried of debt, printing assignments, models, food..everything really.

Besides that, this year yet again taught me not to fall inlove. it is dangerous and a waste of time. I don't think I'll ever be okay with myself being in love, so much has happened throughout the year and just when I thought I might have actually fall for someone, there's always something else came up, what the hell seriously. So 2016 resolution will be about gaining money, being healthy, travel as much as possible while the passport is still valid hahaha.

I actually did the things that I said I would do this year. I'm losing weight slowly and care more about my health (haha) I did actually took care of myself better this year compared to few years ago. I literally stop letting people taking advantage of me, I would consider myself this year as someone that is more aggressive, which is something that I really like about myself. Yay for new achievement. I didn't give chances easily this year, didn't beg for attention. Basically if I've lost interest, I would just stopped and move on. I didn't even want to wait. maybe I did wait for a while but then it hits me that I don't want to let history repeats itself. Do I regret it? tbh sometimes yes other times be like "what the hell" but I still believe that there will be something else in the future and I'll look forward to that. 

For that I would seriously apologize to those who felt like my changes were too intense, it's either I'm trying to find myself or I'm trying to fix myself, even I'm not sure of that yet. There were people that told me that I'm not who I used to be, isn't that a good thing? Because I really like the way I am now. All I want right now is literally to be happy again.

I still see myself as this fragile person that just wants someone that cares, someone that totally understood what I felt as a person, I had that person for a short while but it became clear to me that wasn't meant to be. Right now, just like my mom said the only person I can only rely on is myself. Because when you rely on someone, chances are you might get disappointed when something terrible happens. She always, always remind me not to get attach so deeply or easily and do not expect anything. She told me to survive by my own. I'm really trying mom. I'll promise to do better in the future.

Double Scoop Ice Cream