It's kinda normal to have hopes about someone that you like, but my freaking problem is that maybe I put up hopes too early for something that is uncertain. fml. It's also a habit when I fall for someone, I fall hard, I'm that stupid risk taker when it comes to feelings, apparently very stupid lah sbb dok bagi hati, perasaan, cinta, effort and masa kt org yang x layak. Boleh pulak bangun balik.. okay tu kelakar hahaha ape aku merepek ni ya ampun bukk.
I'm going to really be bilingual in this post, mampus lah aku tetiba geram pulak ni. haih. Sbb teringt kau lah ni. If only, if only lah kan kau tunjuk sket effort kau, instead of bagi alasan I don't think I would feel this hurt. Kau avoid aku dgn alasan kau takut kau x mampu buat aku bahagia. But you didn't even try utk kita pun, not even once. tpi berani pulak kau tegur aku kte rindu bagai. kau nak ape sebenarnya?!
Your birthday is coming up tau x next month and right now aku xleh get over that one freaking thought yang dulu aku pernah plan if "us" goes well, aku nak pergi kt tempt kau. Celebrate birthday kau sama2. Aku fikir benda ni in advance weh, sblum birthday aku smpai lagi. Smpai aku dh fikir nak belikn hadiah kau ke ape. I was that darn happy thinking about it. Meanwhile, kau mse awl2 kenal kecoh nak celebrate b'day aku lah bagai, when birthday aku smpai kau xde wish pun. Aku xde mintak hadiah ape pun weh. Klu dpt wish kau pun aku dah happy. And like an idiot malam tu, aku tunggu kau. Sepanjang hari phone x lepas tangan. Aku x tau lah kau buat2 lupa ke ape but that one ishh klu fikir balik kinda deserves an eff you, seriously.
Still, aku pendam, aku try nak baik2 dgn kau. All I wanted was to spend time with you. Tpi bodoh at the same time sbb percayakn org mcm kau. Blame it on my overthinking habit as well, the one thing yang kau benci sgt tu. Now kau faham dah kenapa aku marah gila bila kau text kau rindu aku after days of kau hilang? Aku pendam frustration aku for so long. Tu pun aku still boleh mintak maaf sbb aku marah kau that night. Aku x tau masalah aku ape knape perangai aku cmniii.
Then when things turned out to be like this. That particular thought stuck dgn aku smpai sudah aku still terfikir psal kau. The hell I can't even listened to the songs yang aku pernh share kt kau dh skrang. Let alone lagu yang kau pernh kasi kt aku. Sakit ati dgn kepalsuan kau. See why having false image is dangerous, this is why. Org mcm aku, jenis aku. bila dah kena tinggal. Eh sorry, bila terpaksa tinggalkn org yg dia sayang. Kitaorg bukan completely move on pun. Tpi sbb perangai kau sendiri, aku rela blah dri stay. It's toxic weh staying with you. I was destroying myself. Tolong lah jgn dah treat the next person yang dtg dlm hidup kau the same way kau treat aku.
Aku dah benci fikir psal kau. Sbb fikir kau, aku xleh move on. Aku kenal org lain, aku x rse ape, smpai confius kau tau x. Aku dh delete semua psal kau, even number kau. Sbb aku ingt kau dah blah, then stay lah hilang! Kawan aku siap ajar aku jdi b*tch pun aku x mampu. Dia suruh aku kasar dgn kau, X mampu nak buat, sbb aku bukan cmtu. Aku x reti and aku takut klu karma hits aku balik. Kau tau cerita aku. Kau tau the things yg aku takut, weh aku bukak hati aku expecting you'd be different. Sebab awal2 kau lain. We were both broken kot. Aku expect kau akn pandai appreciate klu aku stay dgn kau. Aku x pernh judge diri kau and aku terima everything plus sayang kau completely lgi and I was sincere. Aku bgitau kau, aku okay klu we took the next step, kita plan slow2. Mmg bukan senang but I don't mind struggling as long as kau ada. Tapi perangai kau cm tu, xde effort. Lain kali klu x berani amek risk jgn main dgn perasaan org, jgn buat janji, jgn act caring, jgn fikir nak confess pun, jangan.
Dah lah aku end kt sini. Hopefully ni last dah aku rant psal kau. Aku sometimes mcm harap kau baca blog aku. But no lah, don't need to have that kind of hope anymore, dlm dunia kau.. aku ni bukan sape2 and aku dah lama sedar tu.
P.S. I honestly don't know what the hell was I supposed to write with this title because my thoughts just kept jumbling around at the moment. At first I was planning to write something positive but bloody hell for some reason which I will not disclose here, my mind has went completely blank every time I came back to this draft. And I don't seeing so many draft posts plus I've postponed this wayyyyyyyy too long. So what did I do? I put on some sad songs lol and hence this is why this turned out to be a really sappy post. I write better when I'm overly upset or overly happy lmao