Things That Annoy Me

Sis is bored. Like really. It's like 11.30pm and apparently today aku x mengantok lgi eventhough I didn't took my usual evening nap because I was busy being nervous about something that I will not write here *wink hahaha. Anyway I don't know how much I'll be able to write down because this was soooo unplanned, I just feel like typing extra posts. It's has been a good 1st week of Ramadhan for me, thankfully (*praying hard that it'll stay this good for a while) 

This is going to be a bilingual post because I'm also being very lazy to construct sentences this late at night hehe.
  1. Aku akn terus automatic badmood bila balik rumah and tgk rumah gelap; especially bila ade org in the house the whole day and they're that effing lazy utk bukak langsir. Yes aku rimas bila ruang rumah/bilik aku nmpak suram. *future husband whoever you may be or whenever you will finally timbul, kalau baca ni please take note hahahaha
  2. Bila org xnak dengar pendapat org lain and they act smart about it. Yeah okay your point might be right but please lah listened even if kau x agreed rather than tetiba bashing.
  3. When things are planned at a very last minute. Sape yang betul2 kenal aku would know this, especially when you asked me out on the day when I don't feel good. And since I still lived under my parent's roof, I need at least a day heads-up just to ask for permission lmao. 
  4. Bila fon aku type stuff on its own. Yes it happened like a couple of times now and I'm blaming the latest update. ntah ape dh jdi kt fon akuu...takut aku bila alien language comes out hahaha
  5. Orang yang x punctual. When you made promise you should follow it regardless unless you have a good excuse of why you're late.
  6. Orang yang bagi alasan bodo and act like it was acceptable. no 
  7. Doesn't matter kt rumah aku kt or kt mne2, bila lepas makan org x reti buang sisa makan dlm plastic or bekas yg sepatutnya and just leave the residues for someone else to pick up. where is your manners. 
  8. When it's really obvious that I have my earphones on and someone tries to talks to me. jgn lah gini.
  9. Bila org show off, sket2 it's okay tpi ni smpai org masing2 tgk sama sendiri then krik2. you should know when you should stop. 
  10. When a conversation gets uncomfortable. malas nk explain this one. 
  11. When you know someone and at first this person seemed like a good person and then you were completely wrong..
  12. When I'm trying to dry my cats after shower and they escaped from my grasp pstu sorok bawah katil.
  13. Bila I'm excited to share about something to someone but the other person mcm malas nk layan. 
  14. When battery fon rse cm habis cepat sgt pdahal aku baru je charge.
  15. People that sembang kuat2 at public spaces. like am I supposed to know gak kehidupan kau ke cmne skrang lmao.
these are literally some of it, for now..kot? hehe 


Social Media Detox Pt 2


Okay it has been more than a week; 8 days to be precise since I put myself into this experiment. No it's not a fail..yet hahah but I had to reactivate my facebook because one of my favorite game is connected to my facebook and apparently I need my fb acc so that I can still play it. Menyesal sket sbb pergi connect the game with fb before, rosak plan aku sket ishh. However I didn't reinstalled any of the apps on my phone so my phone is still basically clean of socmed; except for tumblr. I have a thing with reading quotes/poetry, no matter if it's about love, motivation, heartbreak, family etc etc. It's one of my obsession that I can't get enough of. I even had to delete my old tumblr, because the old acc was messed up, like really..hee I'm not going to go in details on that but lets just say if I still have the old acc, I'd probably be doing worst than I am. It was too hurtful and there was just alot of triggers in there that I need to stay the hell away from hehe. So yeah, I'm only using tumblr solely for my quote/poetry reading session. 

Btw, I'm like really, really obsessed with indonesian quotes these days. tho it's so hard to find acc that post regularly so I'm stuck with english quotes most of the time eh but that's okay. Better have something dari xde ape

I think I'm doing pretty well lmao but I kinda feel bad for my kesayangans because they need to do the extra effort to share stuff through whatsapp or screenshot things to me now, I missed out on alot of things since I gained my teas mostly through insta/twitter. Do I feel left out? Not exactly. I think keeping my heart at peace is far more important than any gossip. I just want to stop making socmed a necessity. macam why bother why bother~ tetiba hahaha. Aku nak rse kalau ade benda tu or xde benda tu, it shouldn't be a problem to me. 

Because lets be real, aku ade insta/twitter (especially insta) the amount of time I've spend using it, it's ridiculous weh. Scrollling through, stalking sana sini then somehow I make myself feel sad; the explore section is hella dangerous to me. It is fucked up and I was basically destroying my self confidence. When I started using it few years back, I did not expect I would be obsessed with it, yes I admit. I got obsessed with likes/comments/followers and I started judging the hell out of myself, like do I look good in this picture or will this attract people. bodoh haaa for buat diri sendiri depressed. Instagram was taking over my life and I don't like using it anymore. So I quit and I know not many would understand the need for me to save myself lmao. I got asked whether I'm going to reactivate it again any time soon. Probably not so soon? I need a break heee

 I found it to be a tool of self destruction, another space where I could compare myself to others and feel lacking. Without Instagram I feel I am able to look at my life through my own lens, without the seemingly perfect lives of others clouding my vision.  - thoughtcatalog


I'm not really a big fan of anime but these aesthetic gifs are so pleasing to look at tbh that's why I've been using it alot, bila kuza nak edit blog ni..huhu procrastinate lagi


Update 26th May 2018 : I had to uninstalled tumblr as well lmao. Totally lost control over myself few nights ago and I freaked out over it. so byebye>.<

Social Media Detox


This is actually my 2nd attempt. The 1st was a failed. I couldn't even last for a week, and I relied on my backups account just so that I can scroll on some socmed platform. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be gone from this. I got really exhausted from it. But it is so hard, Idk why the fuck do I feel so miserable about this.. 

I've uninstalled facebook, twitter and instagram from my phone but I haven't deactivate any of them yet. Few hours in and I have found myself checking my phone to open those apps, only to realized "ahh, lupa aku dah uninstall

The original plan was to hold this for the entire month of Ramadhan. If I get through this, I might just not install any of them back. Hopefully I can get through a week first without freaking out. I need to stop myself from checking up on people, I need to stop myself from comparing, I just need to stop. Having those things does not do me any good anymore it just makes me really sad, I keep remembering stuff that I shouldn't and it sucks because I don't know what to do. It's been months, dah lahhh!

Degil

aku degil sebab aku nak jaga hati aku,
aku degil sebab aku nak jaga perasaan aku,


you can't make me fall in love,

when you're not showing enough effort, 

not this cycle not again,

talk is easy everyone can do it,

but I don't trust words anymore, 

not after the last time,

sebab aku sangat letih,

letih bagi feelings aku and I was left with nothing,

one after the other.


for once, 

aku nak jadi priority,

for once,

I rather wait for the right person,

dari mencari, mengejar or terpaksa,

for once,

aku nak dicintai for the right reasons,

bukan sebab dia heart broken and nak distraction,

bukan sebab dia lonely,

certainly bukan sebab dia nak attention,

for once, 

aku deserve someone yang betul-betul nak kenal aku,

just for being me, 

someone who I can be comfortable with,

without the pressure of trying to be perfect,

for once, 

aku abaikan ape orang lain nak ckap,

"umur aku dah sesuai untuk kahwin"

"kakak dah ade someone ke"

I'll wait until the time is right.


because if you really know me,

under all this flawed exterior,

I have so much love to give,

but I kept mistaking attention for love,

that is where I messed up,

and in the end aku selalu jadi yang terlalu sayang,

the one that gave too much effort,

and the one that gave too much attention,

malang.


therefore forgive me for being cold hearted,

forgive me for not be able to trust easily,

forgive me for building my walls so high up,

I have my reasons,

don't push nor rush me,

don't convinced me that you're not the same as others,

I've heard those words one too many,

they sucked the love out of me and left me empty,

and aku hanya akan let someone in bila aku rasa,

I've seen enough effort,

and he is worth the chance.



ps: susah woi nak tulis post bilingual cmni, teruk aku cringe hahaha


#18 Thoughts

I'm bored af and really don't know what to write about anymore these days. Is this what writer's block feels like. Every time I felt like writing, I draft it as usual but then it never get to the end because I just lost interest towards it. I have't been writing that much anymore, even my diary has been dead for weeks. My losing weight progress have hit yet another plateau for 2-3 months now. I keep losing and gaining weight at the same time. By the end of the week, is like there's no progress at all. Lets not mentioned the amount of time I promise myself to go for a jog and ended up cancelling it because "there's always tomorrow"

Wake up lah kuza. 

"I have a goal to reach before Raya this year" That's what I said 3 months prior to fasting month. Now there's only less than 50 days before Ramadhan starts and I'm this lazy. 

I know I can't be like this but my goodness these days I just feel like disappearing. I've been thinking about deleting every apps I have and just stay gone for a while. I don't feel like having fun nor going out. All I do is literally eat and sleeping. I used to have problem sleeping at night and now I'm sleeping to much. All these sentences sounds hella familiar kann. Because I haven't felt this unmotivated for so long, I'm putting myself back at that spot.. I would have drag my ass back to the gym and drain myself up again so that I have something to focus on, but because of some stuff I'm not able to do so right now and it's really frustrating. 

That One Incident



I was about to take my wudhu when I paused and stared my earlobe. Both of the earring holes are completely covered now because it's been a really long time since I wore earrings. I've became too scared to wear them now lol.

One of my earlobes ate my earring's back, literally lmao

I don't really remember when exactly did I decided to pierce my earlobes. But it probably happened somewhere when I'm in primary school. I was at my hometown and the experience hurts like yeah I'm never doing that again kinda hurt. I know, I'm being a cry baby again as usual muaha.

But then after I got my ears pierced something kinda happened. I don't really know how to describe it in detail but there was some kind of bad reaction to it. My earlobes got swollen, it bleeds occasionally and there some icky substance coming out from it, yeah gross I know. Anyway years after I kinda found out that I guess my ears were sensitive towards the earring's material. It was a simple gold earring with red diamond embedded to it. Didn't know what kind of gold it was, doesn't matter since am not a big fan of gold hahah

So here's the funny part. I had that ugly reaction on my ears for quite some time to be honest. One day I was on my way to my aunt's place and I realized that left earring back's was missing. I checked everywhere in the car, even when I came back to my home, I ransack my bedroom just to find that tiny piece of metal. Really tho at first I kinda find it odd, it wasn't possible for the backing to fall off that easily because I screwed it pretty neatly to the earring. I couldn't imagine that thing to just slide off. Now because I failed to find the backing, told my mom about it and lol she scold the hell out of me because of it and got me a replacement for it. So I just continued wearing that earring for years really. You know what's stupid, I took off my earrings quite often because I need to clean them and every time I took the new backing off I always noticed like there was something hard underneath my earlobe. I felt it really but I still wore like nothing is wrong. I'm that ignorant *facepalm


Until one day I was watching tv with my dad and he took a closer look at my left ear. My dad told me to clean them so I took the supplies needed and let him do it for me instead lol. So what happened was he literally just took my earrings off and started touching my ear then he said that he saw something "shiny" I thought he was joking at first, then he took my finger and told me to feel the spot he was holding. Bloody hell there was definitely something there, that's when I knew I've messed up hahaha

Immediately we went to the clinic to get it out lmaoooo.  I swore when the doc hand over the thing to me, I went blank lol. All this time I've been searching for that tiny shit and it turns out somehow it got buried under my earlobes...all those years..how the hell is that even possible seriously hahaha. Did my ear got fatter through the years until it was able to eat my earrings lmao I can't even.

Now the question is, should I get my ears pierce again..erkk..

#17 Thoughts




you look prettier when you're thinner
did your boyfriend told you to lose weight?
you're probably losing weight because you have someone kann

first of all please shut up, seriously.
A stranger, someone that I only know for like less than 30 minutes. I didn't even share any of my past pictures with him and he said one of the above. thanks for giving me something to write about, lol.

Yes sis is triggered. For quite a number of days now.  Finally had the time to write about this.

Do I find that insulting, very much yes. You have no right what so ever to judge whether I'm pretty or not when I'm thin or overweight. Lol aku sendiri pun x pernh nmpak myself that way even bila aku dh lost weight. You don't even know the things I've been through to get me this far and you're not even my family members. Yes, I would have to tolerate if any of my family members said this kind of things to me tho it hurts, alot (it already happened, ishhh). Like excuse me, do I look that disturbingly hideous when I was overweight until you have the guts to say such things. Do my feelings not matter in this??

God I just need to put this out here that there is no man ever involved with me in my process of losing weight. Never! I did it on my own decision. There was no boyfriend. love, crush or relationships for a whole 10 long months of 2017 so stop saying nonsense ishhh. sakit bodo haa geram aku cmni..

Now if you're thinking I'm overreacting. Try and be in my shoes for 23 years and see for yourself what it feels like.


#16 Thoughts

As someone that has really terrible anxiety, today I'm going to do something to face that problem. I'm already used to shopping on my own but I've never eat at a restaurant nor watch a movie alone. Because I'm constantly thinking about other people looking at me and it makes me so damn uncomfortable. lol Just thinking about it already sets some butterflies in my stomach, am not even exaggerating. 

and I just realized that today is valentines day, where all the couples roamed around malls. this is going to either be the most awkward day in my life or it could also be a good day depending on how I react to it. I might even go back to the office early if I can't handle this.



8:40 am: I have cancel all my work plans, got my permission and literally decide to spend few hours with myself today. I plan to watch movie Marvel's Black Panther, get coffee latte, juice boost or green tea because I've been craving those for the longest time and the probably eat sushi today (if I have enough time)

I'm predicting that I'm going to end up having my earphones stuck to my ear the whole day today, except when I'm watching movie lol, Wish me luck because I already feel like crying and vomiting and I haven't even start.

10.48 am: I was hoping that they aren't alot of people today at the cinema, at least when I bought my seat, beside me were empty. I was praying hard it would be empty but omg people kept coming in, I was screaming inside lol it was so awkward. Beside me were both men, one was with his children and another came in alone just like me, but he sat at the end seat, leaving a gap. I swear if he sat beside me I would have been frozen still there lololol. Even then I chewed on chewing gum the whole time then ate popcorn in silent, unable to react as much.

Thankfully Marvel's movie never disappoint so I'm glad the movie was good to watch. It was full with morals and cultural values. Plus, I enjoy looking at beautiful sculptured marvel heroes *wink wink hahaha Avengers is next on my list and I can only think of Loki, that man..heehee oh and Dr. Strange :*

marry me


1.35 pm: I walked out of the cinema at a really fast pace. It's because I was on my own and I don't even make eye contact with anyone (already expected) If only I had a little bit more money I would have bought a new hoodie I've been eyeing few weeks back ishh

The movie took a longer time that I've expected. It started around 11am and ended at 1.20pm. I only had less than 40 minutes spare because I need to take the train back around 2pm. So knowing that I'm unable to eat sushi in peace, I cancelled that plan and head over to juice boost and bought my favorite juice which is skinny dip then sprinted straight to Fitness Concept.

Why? Because I was looking at their dumbbells and I've been wanting to buy a set since I quit gym few weeks back. I needed to start strength training soon because I've postponed that for too long. I was too occupied with cardio. God I am even missing out on yoga these days, my bones are going to hate me for this. I should just reschedule my workout plans again. But knowing I had the right tools feels nice. I have new things to experiment with. I walked back to the train station carrying a dumbell in one hand, another in my bag and I have never felt so safe hahaha!


and that would be it for now on this totally random story. until the next time, if I had more stuff to rant about, that is. bye

wore all black for today, suits my soul lmao

Sabr

My heart is just feel so heavy right now, you have no idea. I've been weeping in silence for hours and part of me just wanted to shut down for the rest of the day. maybe days.

Yesterday, one of my duas somehow came true. I asked for guidance because for days I just had this uneasiness and I actually got my answer in few hours. But the thing is, I wasn't prepared to hear the truth. Maybe that's why it hurts. It shouldn't be because I was the one that asked for it. I'm trying hard accept the fact that some things are just not meant to be, everything in  life happens for a reason so I should just redha and let it rest for my mind to be in peace again. 

But sometimes, when you are in the thick of living your very own story, and you feel that you are so, so far away from your "happy ending", from crossing that finishing line - just surviving through the day can be a huge struggle. 
And to this, I tell you - please fight on, and just put in the work. 
Put in the work to help yourself, put in the work to heal yourself, put in the work to find yourself again. Please please please do that for yourself. 
Because He sees you striving, despite the pain. And He sees you trying, despite the difficulty. And He sees you fighting, despite the fear. And you might be asking, "if Allah sees all these, then why doesn't He have Mercy on me?!"  
And to this, I tell you - The stronger the pain, the bigger our reward, and that is part of His Mercy towards us. - AA
Ya Allah, please just don't let this frustration turn me away from you once again..amin

A Reply


if there's a switch for my brain to stop overthinking and over-analyzing things that has happened please let me know, I could use that right now. okay xlawak

I'm going to be as positive as possible writing this despite my feelings and my thoughts are not doing well. I feel like writing. So here is goes..

You may say u dont but we kan keep the real feelings with us, xbgtau

I'm so sorry because I didn't expect I would be affected this badly, 

However I'm not going to apologize for my feelings, whatever that is there now,

Honestly I've been confused,

For almost a month,

I'm not looking for someone, I said.

Part of that is true,

Because I was still thinking about him,

He was still there,

I was afraid,

And so I wanted to wait,

I thought we both needed time to heal our wounds,

I know I do, 

But I didn't know that you already had someone in your mind.

Anyway, I didn't want to mistaken my loneliness for something else,

So I treated you the same,

Just as friends,

And I became happy again.

We weren't exclusive,

But I loved it, every single moment of being your friend.

Every word I told you about how I like our friendship, 

I meant it.

But funny how things suddenly turned this way and I felt upset, 

Because I didn't expect to feel this way but I am, 

I was jealous, 

There I said it, 

I'm actually jealous.

Jealous that you turned out to heal quicker than I am,

And jealous that someone has already captured your attention,

Maybe as it turns out I do like you,

Alot more than I thought I would be,

I didn't realized that it got to this point where I got sad about it.

I'm sorry that I kinda snapped at you,

I'm sorry if I acted very immaturely towards this,

The first couple of hours was very hard to cope with to be honest,

Knowing that things would change after this,

It comes as a shock to me I guess,

But I've managed to gathered all of my thoughts,

I'm not changing anything that I've said above,

Truly, I'm very happy for you,

I wish I could properly move on and find my happiness soon enough lol. 
Double Scoop Ice Cream