To my almost,

I broke my heart while writing this but I'm sorry that I can't do this anymore,

I had to walk away this time,

It has been delayed far too long,

I've been way too weak these past couple of months by letting you in and out of my life as you please,

You knew how I feel about you,

You knew I was struggling,

Don't fucking lie,

But you choose not to care.


And just when I thought I was starting to feel okay,

Your name appeared on phone yesterday,

"I fucking miss you" you said,

I could've replied with sarcasm or laugh it off but guess what,

My tears came streaming first before I could even figure out a reply,

I cried, went out from the house because I was losing myself again,

That's when I realized "aku x move on lgi rupanya".


That is exactly how much I've loved you,

A call or just a single text from you could turn my mood upside down,

When I called last night and told you that I was tired,

Of everything,

I meant every single word that I said,

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not,

I'm exhausted of trying to understand you,

because you are not even trying to do the same,

I'm tired of missing you when I know you're uncertain about your own,

I will not let my guard down just to keep you around,

I am done.


Because all this time,

I have been nothing but loyal to you,

I let you in my life,

I opened up to someone after a long time and let you see my flaws,

My deepest fears,

You convinced me you're going to be different than the rest,

What a joke.


I tried to change my habits for you,

I waited for you every single night,

I waited for you to finally show up in front of my door step,

But you and your  never ending excuses,

I have never asked for expensive things,

All I wanted was your time and attention,

"sorry busy sket ni, can I get back to you later?"

"awk saya dh mengantok/x larat, nk tido dulu boleh x"

"im going out for a while, nnti sembang lgi eh"

Yes those little things mattered.


I'm pretty sure if I was important to you I deserved at least a little bit rather than waiting for hours/a day just for just a text back,

If I was important,

I deserved your effort,

You have no idea how hard it was for someone with anxiety to have so many doubts about someone that she loves,

You have no idea how hard it was for someone with abandonment issues to see signs of someone she loved might leave her,

Sorry, you knew and you took advantage of that,

You even told me to try and "stop overthinking" I tried, just for you to stay.


"I still love you"

But you can't make up your mind about us,

You said you couldn't explained it now,

No, I didn't force you,

I just really hate mind games,

I wanted a clear cut answer,

Whether you're in or out,

Tell me if I should wait or we just stay friends,

I've told you to not waste my time,

Then you told me to block you,

Just because you didn't want to give me high hopes if we kept in touch,

Well that feels like a brick to my face tbh,

And just as expected your actions and your words didn't match once again.


You don't push someone away someone you love,

You work for it till it gets better,

So blocking you was never my answer,

It was immature and I hated you for that,

After all that mess you put me through,

You left me on hold yet again for days till that text showed up,

What was I supposed to do.


In the end, I made my own conclusion,

That I was never your priority,

Because if I was, maybe we've actually met by now,

Because if I was, you would have never just let me go the 2nd time,

You turned me into your safety net,

Maybe you thought I was incapable to leave,

Maybe because you knew I'm always going to be there waiting.


I still remember the first time you asked if I didn't love you anymore,

I still think of you from time to time,

If that's the answer you want,

But no I don't want to love you anymore,

A woman can only wait for so long until she realized how much of a fool she has become.


I've walked away and have been forced to walked away so many times before,

I can do it again but I held back wishing maybe things would change,

But nope,

Done waiting.


So be my guest,

Stay confused if you want too,

But let me be,

Because I deserve better than this,

I'm sorry.






Double Scoop Ice Cream