Note to Your Younger Self..

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?" 

I stumbled upon this sentence when I was scrolling through my facebook feed and since I haven't post anything worth reading for the past few months, leggo. And two words wouldn't be enough to because I have so much things to say to my younger self. Especially the Kuza in highschool. omg that girl had serious issues back then, but she survived tho thankfully, okay here it goes.

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say to yourself?"

Dear Ku Zafirah.

You will experience few years of torture starting from you're 15 years/old. Your confidence, self esteem will go downhill from here all because you are about to develop a habit of overthinking stuff. Even stuff that you shouldn't be thinking about. From this point as well, you're going to experience the worst one sided love hahahaha. The pain is going to stay with you until you entered the 3rd semester of university. You'll have so much doubts about yourself, until self harming becomes an option for you to ease that so called "pain" of yours. It should have not happened. I repeat, it should've not happened if you just let go from the first spot. He never liked you, he only thinks of you as his friend. And now both of you haven't been talking for god knows how long. At some point in the future you will have thoughts about him because you felt guilty for ruining his relationship, don't. It is not your fault all this happened. Stop blaming yourself for it.

Wake the eff up, Kuza. all that stuff that you were thinking and crying about for so many nights is not worth it, not even a little bit. I'll tell you why. Those boy that you like does not give a shit about you, at all. They didn't even looked back at you, not even once. They was never interested in you. You are going to waste so much time crying over these "crushes". I swore it is not worth it dude, If they don't love you back then just stop clinging to it like it's your life pleaseLove is not everything, it was never everything, and no you won't even have time to love in university so don't even bother thinking about it hahaha.

Be grateful for the group of friends and family that you have now because things are going to be so different in university. You're going to miss them so much and wish that you could be closer to them. Homesick in university is inevitable. So love them more now. Oh and those late night thoughts? it's all in your head. Things will be better if you could just be a little bit positive about yourself. Lastly, pay more attention on your studies because gurll, you're a pure science student but you're terrible at it.


And lastly, I think I need to just write this again and again because the younger version of Kuza keeps forgetting how meaningful her life would be if she actually lived a little and not care so much. I wish the version of me now lived in the past. lmao I could've been so much better then. Sure up until know I still haven't found the purpose of my existing because I keep messing up everything and everyone I get close to but it does not hurt as much as it hurts in the past. The younger version of Kuza needs to learn that she does not need to rely on others to gain happiness. Being pretty or fit into society's standard does not give you happiness, it only gives you headache. really. Stop torturing yourself with this kind of negativity because you don't need it in the future.

I couldn't turn back time because if I could I would have lived my life differently, but things have happened and the past is still the past. It made me who I am now and honestly I think I've never been this comfortable with myself in a very long time. 

p/s : this is actually an old draft. I wrote this around last year and didn't finished until today lol 
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