I tweeted that I want to let myself sink in my own world for tonight because I haven't had it for a while and by "sink myself in my own world" I meant blasting music to the max volume and just stare profusely to the ceiling. But I want to do something different. so decided to write since I got something on my mind. As you probably can already tell, I'm not in a good mood right now, and I don't know why. suck isn't it? I'll probably be okay in the morning.
Tonight, this post is going to be about what I feel about holding on to someone/waiting for the impossible blablabla. Eversince I turned 20 and alot of shit happened, believe it or not I take this kind of things seriously now. I have alot, literally alot of experience in one sided love, caring too much for the person that probably deserved the least of my attention, I would do anything to make everyone around me happy, I would beg the hell out of their forgiveness even when it was just a misunderstanding or I was not the one to blame and damn it, I'll be honest and say that suck. Because while I was so busy looking after everyone, I let myself down so much till the point where I question my self worth. I only noticed this when I reached 20. after all the events took place. Took me a while to realize that I don't have to hold on, why? because they just don't give a shit about me, (it sucks to be the one yang perasan like they like you but they don't) not even a little bit. if they did, I'd probably know by then.
At that time, I was super scared of being left out, ignored or forgotten. worst? feeling of being replaced. I have wasted so much time crying, hurting, self harming, trying to figured out where it all went wrong, countlessly begging for forgiveness everytime, and those are my side effects of being scared. It got to a point where I was seriously tired. I thought I was going to die from all the guilt. I may look like the most bubbly girl in highschool, they always saw me with a smile on my chubby face and I rarely cry too except when its just too much to handle. Because people see me as that kind of person, I tend to keep everything inside. Up until now I still do it, Why? because there will be less drama and people won't get hurt.
this ^
So when did I start being this? This probably going to sound really cliche. it started when I broke up with him. I was miserable and the cycle of guilt repeats itself and something also took place and I got really depressed. So the outcome of all of that was, I've got serious trust issues and I tend not to give in so much/so easily. I don't know how I did it but now, I care more about what I feel than others which is a good thing. I won't even fight over things if I find it childish because I try to avoid drama. I've stop pretending, if I don't like it, then I just don't. I may or may have not hurt a few people along the way, I'm really sorry but if you were in my shoe, you'll be the same as me. It saves you from getting hurt.
Finally, after all that I'm going back to the main question. Why I refuse to hold on/wait etc.?
Other than, it saves you from a long term of sadness. It saves you alot of time. I kept thinking that if I wasn't so caught up with it, if I could just stop and just move on I could've done so much things during those years, but silly me. I was "madly in love" yeah right, bodoh. I don't ever want to be in that position ever again. Experiencing all this have taught me not to have high hopes at all, because at the end of the day, I know that I am going to be disappointed. Don't even try to open my heart, not now. because getting hurt again is the last thing I want right now. I have so much goals that I want to achieved and I believed that if I get tangled up again its just going to slow me down, who knows what kind of damage it'll do to me. For now, I've decided that I should just try and accept myself more, to be better then what I am now. I just want to feel like I am worth something. I don't want to be weak, I want to be known as a tough woman who can stand on her own feet.
