One of the things that I really freaking hate in this world would be “feeling sad but not knowing the reason for it” and “what if”. Well maybe I kind of know the reasons for it but I don’t feel like sharing. Lately I’ve found myself staring blankly at my computer screen and think about life. Who am I going to end up being in the future, my love life, my future job..every single thing that I think about is about future. and it suck because I can’t escape from this feeling. I keep imagining myself that right know I’m planning a lot of things that I want for my future meaning the things that I would want to have or to happen in the future. WHAT IF, nothing goes according to what I want for my future. what will I be, who will I become what’s my future going to look like. See my dilemma? overthinking sucks okay but I couldn’t help it. my thoughts have the capability to destroy me, lol. or maybe im just stressed, ntah.
Another thing that lately has been messing around with my head would be my insecurity. I haven’t felt this way for a while and now it has come back to try and ruin my life. The story is something embarrassing happened to me about a week ago and even though no one laughed at my face but my insecurity did came back. I hate myself again and its worst than before. I wish that incident didn’t happened to me so that I don’t feel so bad about myself right now. I feel that there is so much that I need to change about myself right now and I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way. I realized that I’ve became a lot quiet lately. I love hanging out with my friends but if I had to choose between going somewhere or being alone, I literally prefer to be alone and got carried away listening to music. Another thing, somehow I think being in my new situation now has also somehow contribute to my insecurity. I don’t want to go deeper into that matter because it is uncertain, yet. Another weird thing is that I can feel the sadness bottling inside me but I didn’t cry at all, not even once. Last night before I went to bed, I’ve watched bribry’s videos about depression and it somehow helped ease my emotions a little bit, I let out silent tears. but it still feels like its not enough.
