"Why can't I just be good enough? Smart enough? Thin enough? Strong enough? Beautiful enough? I don't struggle enough. I'm not challenged enough. Nothing I am. Nothing I do. Is ever enough. I just want to be enough. I’m such a freaking disappointment. So stupid. Life shouldn't be this hard at 17. School shouldn't be this stressful. People shouldn't give me this much anxiety. Why am I so messed up in the head? I don't feel normal, I'm so fucked up and I'm sick of it! "
Yesterday would probably be one of the most embarrassing days of my life. I cried too much. why the hell do I have to be so dumb and put high hopes on someone when I actually know that these 'good and enjoyable feelings' will never happened to me. I should have expected "this" is too good to be true. It never happened before then why should it happened now, right? he only thinks of me as a friend. JUST A FRIEND. I literally slept at 3am yesterday because I couldn't sleep at all. too many emotions/things build up at the same time and yes I ended up sobbing last night.
Lately, I think too much about this, about that, and I'm guessing that the real reason why I cried yesterday is because I couldn't take this unwanted feelings any more. I don't blamed him. I didn't put that much effort to make him noticed me. I blamed myself for setting up high hopes on boys. I'm taking a break. let everything lose up a bit and climb back up when I'm ready. Sometimes I just wish that maybe, just maybe someday I could just find a guy that won't judge me on my physical appearance. I want a chance to prove that I can be the girlfriend material even though I'm not pretty. I sound desperate don't I? well I'm not. this is what I feel! I know that I'm not attractive, I can never compete with all beautiful & talented girls.
I'm no longer believing in guys that says : personality>looks,
BULLSHIT. I'm pretty sure 1/3 of you wouldn't go out with someone that is really ugly with a fantastic personality. I mean at least one will but I'm saying most wont. they tell me the craziest/unimaginable lie, make me feel special and worthy and ended up leaving. STOP IT!
bye.
